Celestia and Ratburn: Cake Connoisseurs
by bringonthespam
Summary: An Arthur/MLP:FiM crossover. Two cake-obsessed contest rivals heatedly battle for the ultimate prize. In this struggle, Celestia and Ratburn will realize that this mutual fixation brings them together more than they'd like to admit. Light Arthur/Twi ship.
1. Chapter 1

A/N - Thinking back on Mr. Ratburn and how there were multiple times he would ask about cake at parties excitedly, with the help of my friend NocturneD, I suddenly realized that Celestia has been accused of harboring the same kind of obsession from the "Ponyville Confidential" episode, and BAM, the ultimate crossover ship was born! Also, if anyone reading this doesn't believe it needs the "M" rating, please let me know somehow, as I might just be paranoid on how high I need to rate it.

"Come on, Mr. Ratburn," Arthur comforted his tightly wound teacher, "I'm sure you'll win the Inter-dimensional Cake Eating Contest, no sweat!"

Arthur, Buster, and Francine had made the trip over to Nigel Ratburn's home to see how he was faring at training for, what was to him, the most important contest of his life. They had opened the door to find Mr. Ratburn in a position that none of the kids had seen him in before. They wouldn't have pegged the rat as much of an athlete, but there he was, a sleeveless white shirt covering his thin and poorly toned body, and gym shorts covering his waist and legs, while he was on the floor of his living room, doing push-ups steadily, one at a time. The main difference here was that every time he let himself down on the ground, a platter of white, drippy cheesecake with fresh strawberries sat under his face, where he would take a hearty bite of the treat before lifting back up into the air.

He was really sweating it out, and was probably getting full from the tons and tons of confections he had no doubt been training with for the last few weeks. He pushed through the pain and fullness. His intensity was earning him looks of concern from the three school children, who then had gone up to console him and tell him to take it easy. Ratburn smiled at his students warily, appreciative of their support, but aware of how naive they could be.

"Thank you Arthur," he grunted as he kept going with his exercises, "but I must break through further than ever if I want to beat those other cake lovers. I haven't been a twenty time finalist and ten time reigning champion for nothing. I even bribed Marc Brown to have Takeru Kobayashi make an appearance in Elwood City just a few weeks ago to give me some tips on fast, competitive eating."

Wow, Ratburn really was zealous about this! Though, the thought of bribing someone to give you the edge over your opponent seemed a little like cheating to them. Buster went over to the kitchen to possibly raid Ratburn's fridge when he noticed the mountain of plates and forks, smeared with frosting, jutting out of the sink.

"Mr. Ratburn?" Buster started uneasily while the rat did some light routines with his wrists, mimicking a fork going into a cake and putting the morsel up to his face.

"Yes Buster?" Ratburn's heart rate was slowly coming down after the intense push-ups.

"How much cake have you eaten today?"

Ratburn turned to the less-than-stellar pupil of his and while still moving his wrists walked into the kitchen, taking a brief note of what Buster was pointing to.

"Buster, one must eat quite a lot of cake in their training if they wish to excel at this sport. I'd say I've had two whole cakes today at least. One was this strawberry cheesecake that is now a small sliver, and the other was a chocolate mousse."

"TWO WHOLE CAKES?" Arthur, Buster, and Francine echoed their dessert-loving mentor with gasps and empathetic twisting of stomachs. Arthur stepped up to Ratburn and dramatically gestured to him.

"You've gotta be joking? You're just talking about two SLICES of cake, right?"

Ratburn chuckled heartily at the disgusted mewl on the aardvark's face.

"Oh Arthur, I'm definitely not joshing you there. Two whole cakes, and that's if I can't finish a third one by the time my daily exercises are done."

You know, Buster loved many different types of junk food too, but this was just ridiculous. Even with his cavern of a gut, he felt like he'd go into a diabetic coma from that much, PER DAY. Francine looked over at the third cake that Ratburn was preparing to lay on the table in front of them. This one looked like a doozy, and the intense instructor was really getting out the big guns for the rest of his exercise. A brick-hard, yellow pound cake made a great thud onto the wooden furniture.

"You're not seriously thinking about eating that whole thing today, are you?"

Ratburn turned to Francine with an impassioned stare, determined to tackle this behemoth with everything he was worth.

"I know it's hard for you youngsters to understand my rationale, but I've been training with a similar regimen for most of my life. This pound cake is a pale comparison for what I will have to face in the upcoming contest. If I can't conquer this delicious concoction now, then I will never be able to show my face to my fellow connoisseurs in two days!"

The determination in his beady, little eyes was inspiring, if not also creepy. It was just a little cake eating contest. Why was Ratburn always so over-the-top ecstatic about it?

"Now then, run along back to your homes or friends, children. I need a moment alone with this mouth-watering masterpiece to gather my focus."

Given that the three of them certainly had better things to do than watch a sweaty, half-naked rat voraciously eat a cake, and Arthur knew, at least, that he needed to get back home to baby-sit D.W. while his parents went over to a neighbor's house a few blocks down for a few hours, they all took this as their cue to give Ratburn some space, and let him continue his routine.

"Say, would it be alright if I came to watch you at the contest?" With the feverish momentum Ratburn trained with, Arthur was incredibly curious as to what all this "inter-dimensional contest" consisted of. His own interest must have been contagious, as Buster and Francine were eager to tag along.

"Please, please, please, Mr. Ratburn? You know how much I love cake too!" Buster put his hands together in a pleading motion.

"I think it'd be cool to come, especially with how hard you've been training lately, and hey, you're a ten time champion! I'd like to see the master in action, if it's okay."

Ratburn was thrilled that his students were so enthusiastic about coming, though there was one little matter he needed to clear up first, two actually.

"If, on the day before the contest, you all get your homework done, and if your parents say you can come, then I'd be glad to have you attend."

"Awesome!" "Yeah!" "Alright!"

The three kids spoke in unison, vaguely remembering the part about homework, which they probably still wouldn't get done anyway.

"Now then, I've got a tasty treat to tackle here! I'll see you all tomorrow at school."

Arthur, Buster, and Francine waved him off as they said their own goodbyes to each other for the day, many separate activities going on with them. As the door closed behind Buster, the last one to leave, Mr. Ratburn smiled and turned back over to the rest of his breakfast, lunch, and then finally dinner for the night.

He slowly made his way over to the pound cake, and as he hovered in front of it somewhat menacingly, he leaned into the table, hands on either side of the delicious morsel. Of course, if this were part of the day's festivities, he would have torn into this cake like a rabid dog, consuming it within a matter of minutes. Today though, Ratburn felt like he had earned himself a break from the rigorous training he had done all day, since it was a holiday off of school.

He bent down just far enough for his nose to barely graze the brownish outer layer, proceeding to draw in a wavering breath through his nostrils, taking in the sugary, off-vanilla scent. He closed his eyes, wishing to heighten the sense he was employing. Ratburn gulped a tiny bit, as a fresh wave of saliva coated his mouth at the wonderful sensations tickling his nose.

"Mmmm..." the rat huskily hummed in appreciation, "you smell so fresh...so intoxicating..."

Ratburn opened his eyes to relish the sight of the canary colored dessert, the ridges in its slightly crusted upper layer, the perfectly shaded sides that would crumble if he dug his fingers into them, it was so simple, undecorated, but all that mattered to Ratburn was that it would be delicious to him.

He slowly dabbed the left corner closest to him with his tongue, letting it push gently into the thick, buttery richness within, but not too far, just enough for the taste to register. As the cake moistened further with his saliva, he started slurping the soggy parts out while letting his teeth go a little further, biting some of the less moist areas tenderly. He slowly took a moderate sized bite, clamping his mouth over the cake momentarily, and then stood back up for a brief moment to savor the piece. He worked it around his mouth, the taste and consistency making him moan a second time.

When the chunk finally slid down through him, basking in its glorious texture, he leaned back over the treat again, whispering into it lovingly.

"You're so good to me, you know that? I think I'm going to enjoy you piece by piece, until there's nothing left but the pan."

In a similar scenario, he tore at sections of it with his teeth, eating as gingerly as he could, not wanting to devour all of it right then and there. After the trembling of his taste buds subsided when he ate the last piece, he tossed the pan that held it into the dishes to be washed with a loud clang. If anyone had barged in on Ratburn at the time, they would have noticed his ragged, labored breathing, watering mouth, and bloodshot eyes. Feeling ashamed in his moment of weakness, though fortunately no witnesses were present, he laid his head in his arms, crossed on the table, and blew a sigh of profound satisfaction.

In another dimension, outside the world of Elwood City, another force to be reckoned with trained with the vigor of a lioness for the very same Inter-dimensional Cake Eating Challenge. Her love of all desserts baked, layered, and frosted was apparent in her drive to be number one. Her notoriety in this circle of cake chomping cohorts had been solidified long ago, and had only recently been challenged sufficiently by a few other beings, bent on proving themselves as the premier pastry eaters in the known universe.

Her stomach, a bottomless hole, her hooves, white lightning, and her mouth had a predisposition for sweet, succulent stacks of warm, wonderful confection.

"Princess Celestia," the champion's young cheerleader addressed her, "what in Equestria are you doing with all of that cake?"

The princess was far too focused on her game plan and exercises to notice that Twilight was freaking out about the monstrous pile of pleasurable goodness in front of her grabbing hooves.

"Oh, are you referring to...this," Celestia motioned with a hoof to her prized spread, "it is time for the annual "ICEC", my faithful student!"

Twilight was not alone, which was further enforced by the questioning words of one confused pegasus pony.

"ICEC, what in the hay is that?...uh...Your Highness?" Rainbow Dash smiled toothily and blushed as she suddenly realized how shocked she sounded at the abbreviation. Celestia didn't even pay the outburst any mind.

"The Inter-dimensional Cake Eating Challenge, my little ponies, it is the greatest and most glorious competition I have ever taken part in."

While Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and, tagging along, Pinkie Pie highly doubted that this was the "greatest" event she had ever taken part in, they knew how Celestia pined, hungrily, for all sorts of cakes, and as such had a quite probable bias toward it. They watched in amazement as the princess' hooves showed a mastery of grabbing the pieces of cake just right without the typical slippage clumsier ponies demonstrated, accurately and swiftly guiding them to her opened mouth, and within one or two chews would gulp it down. The speed was tremendous.

"Oh Princess," Pinkie Pie excitedly came over to the table to sample some of the goods, "are you training for it then?"

Celestia stopped for a minute to address Pinkie Pie without cake falling out of her maw.

"Precisely, Pinkie Pie, I am certainly not a twenty year finalist and ten time reigning champion for nothing. I must eat like my competitors, think like them, and find out what makes them tick."

"Or what makes them throw up, right?" Pinkie Pie joked with her ruler.

"Pinkie Pie!" Twilight tried to chastise her for the possibly offensive remark.

Celestia just laughed lightly at the pink pony's sense of humor. "Whatever assists in victory, I suppose, although I prefer a good, clean match where both contestants give it everything they have. That is what I hope the competition will be like again this year."

The purple unicorn's brow furrowed in a little bit of curiosity, as did Dash's, but she allowed Twilight to ask the question first. "So Princess Celestia, what kinds of exercises have you been utilizing for this competition?"

Celestia gave a small, subdued grin to the asking unicorn, "Oh Twilight, a competitor should never reveal her secret training techniques, but I guess I could give you a little sample of some of the things I have been doing to get ready."

The white alicorn gracefully jumped up out of her seat, gesturing with a wing for her student and her friends to follow her into another room, locked and barred with the message: "For Princess Celestia's Eyes Only". She carefully unlocked the door, making sure to scan the area for potential spies sent by her rivals. Once Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie had been escorted into the smaller space, Celestia shut the door tightly behind her to discourage prying eyes.

The room they had entered was full of equipment one might have seen at the Ponyville Gymnasium back home. There were iron handles and bars everywhere that could've been mistaken for parts of ancient torture devices, and various machines, such as an old looking treadmill powered by the runner, that would probably be found, in better condition in some cases, in any old gym.

"This is my exercise room, and its sole purpose is cake contest season training. You see, my ponies," Celestia motioned to some of the devices, "in my case, magic is forbidden in this challenge, and wings are unnecessary, so I must rely completely on my hooves and mouth to do the proverbial dirty work."

Twilight and her friends experimentally touched some of the equipment that they found the most interesting while Celestia kept up with the explanation, "This is where these contraptions come in, such as this treadmill."

She went up onto the sturdy looking machine and started running on it lightly. "Usually, I would also have a cake slice hovering nearby so that I could eat it and run at the same time. It's good for building up my physical stamina and I can continue training my stomach as well."

As she stepped off of the treadmill, the three other girls were surprised that this room was only used for cake eating competitions. By what she had said before, it sounded like she didn't even use this room to "tone up" for the gala, or any other really important parties or meetings. In fact, she hardly ever seemed to mention working out for anything but this little-known event at all.

"Geez, Princess," Dash sounded positively unenthusiastic about the whole thing as she turned toward the co-ruler of Equestria, "You sure are hardcore about this "ICEC" business."

The sun mare gave the athletic pony an amused look while trying to steer everypony out of the training room so that she could lock up, "Well of course, my dear, this is an especially arduous event, and I have to be in top form by the time it gets here."

Celestia had corralled the younger ponies out by the time her statement was done, and with a few clicks and screeches her precious secrets were safeguarded once again. She took a glance at the three ponies, and thought that such a momentous occasion could be made even better by the company of some friends, and somepony to watch as she dominated the other eaters with her speed and grace of course...

"I just had a wonderful idea, my little ponies," Celestia spiritedly chimed after a few seconds, "how would all three of you like to accompany me to the challenge in two days? I know you all are very busy, but I would be grateful if you could possibly make it."

Twilight thought that the opportunity to research so many inter-dimensional beings would give her study material to mull over for the next hundred years, so she was obviously all for it.

"I'd love to Princess, I just have to get somepony to watch Spike so that he stays out of trouble."

"Uh...sure Princess...I'd be glad to come!" Rainbow Dash wasn't really that giddy about it. Now if it was a flying contest, she'd be thrilled to go. Though, she didn't want to disappoint the princess either, and wanted to show her support since it was important to her.

"Oh goodygoodygoodygoodygoody!" Pinkie Pie chirped, bouncing around energetically, psyched by the fact that not only would she be going to something the princess of Equestria would be attending, but the thought of all that cake was incredibly tempting. She stopped jumping around after a moment with Twilight and Dash staring at her.

"I mean..." she started with a faked serious voice, "I would love to, Your Majesty."

"That is excellent everypony! Remember, the contest is in two days. Now, I must request my privacy, as I need to continue to focus my efforts until the big event."

All three of them conceded to her wishes and they said warm goodbyes to one another. Once Twilight had shut the large door to the rest of the castle behind her, Celestia let out a relieved whistle, though still waited that extra second to be sure nopony would be disturbing her now.

She slowly turned back around to the huge pile of cakes on her incredibly large table, looking for a new cake to practice her techniques on. As her hungry gaze fell upon a rich, chocolate cake, with same-flavored icing and little chocolate shavings all around it, she went to pick it up with her magic and put it to the end of the table she would be using. After a few moments of deliberation, she felt that she had earned a short break from the rigorous shoveling she had been working on all morning. She decided that this one would be savored and loved, instead of scarfed down and violated.

With this in mind, she slowly made her way over to her seat, not taking her attention off of the delicious delicacy for even a fraction of a second. As she approached the chair, she slid into it with a seductive air about her, as if the cake was alive and watching her too. The longer the princess stared at the gorgeous cake, the more her mouth coated in a thick glaze of salivation. Now directly overhead, the sun goddess gave her next victim a lustful, half-lidded smirk.

"Hey there...I've been watching you since you came out of the oven this morning..."

Celestia traced a bare hoof gently around the dessert's circumference, making sure not to mar the perfectly even chocolate coating. She was rubbing circles around it, taking in the smooth texture.

"Ooh...you're so soft, rich, and creamy..."

She pulled her hoof back and slowly licked at the tiny bit of residue the chocolate cake left behind. Leaning in further, Celestia inhaled deeply and unashamedly as the sweet musk of cocoa washed over her nose.

"...and your smell...so...invigorating..."

Her face hovered just a little higher as she leaned up, her predatory gaze refocusing. Even though she was kind of play acting, she involuntarily moistened her lips at how good this confection looked. With some minor trepidation, Celestia leaned back down again and traced the rounded edges connecting the top to the middle with her tongue, being careful not to break the outer shell still, but just letting the sugary chocolate melt onto her warm muscle. She only made tiny suckling motions, as if pecking someone on the cheek, and then once again let up a little, breathing on the cake slightly, liquid chocolate coating her lips.

"Did you like that? Oh no, don't fight it, I know you did... Want me to do it again?"

The cake just sat there, powerless to object.

"...I figured as much..."

Celestia went back to work, drawing her tongue around more of the cake, making the outer shell melt even further, and breaking it when she got a little too excited. She took off a lot of the shavings, sucking on them in her mouth for a few seconds before they too melted. Pretty soon, the whole thing was a slobbery mess on the plate, showing the second layer on the inside, which was connected to the first by more whipped chocolate. Now the mare's entire mouth, even the corners, was covered in frothy syrup, and her eyes were practically dilating from the exquisite taste.

"OOOh...what's that... now that you're all hot and wet, you want to be inside me? Mmmm...yeah...I think I want you inside me too..."

Celestia breathed heavily through her nose as she pushed her muzzle into the first layer, lapping at it and biting into it ferociously yet enjoying every morsel in her mouth, moaning with taste bud satisfying pleasure. After about 5 minutes, the cake that had once adorned the plate was wiped from existence, leaving a brown, greasy mess in its wake.

The princess, face now completely drenched in the former cake, was still reeling from the deliciousness of her mouth-watering friend. With heavy breaths, her eyes darted around the entire space, afraid that somepony may have watched her partake of this lewd display of affection for her favorite foods. Taking a watered down cloth from the table, she cleaned herself of any evidence. Once she was certain that nopony would ever know about this, she sat back in her chair and groaned, intensely satiated for now.

* * *

The Inter-dimensional Cake Eating Challenge, a staggering event where galactic gobblers, big and small, humanoid and non-humanoid, black, white, and every color in between, hail from various fictional and non-fictional worlds to represent their brethren in a series of marvelous matches involving the consumption of cakes, cupped, layered, and chilled alike. A randomized location is settled upon to host such an extravagant soiree, ensuring that the overall pomp and scenery never gets dull. For this year's annual ICEC, it is the coordinator's pleasure to announce that a park in Elwood City has been secured for the festivities, home of the undeniable, unstoppable Father of Frosting himself, Nigel Ratburn.

Fans, fanatics, and family members line the metal stands, a splash guard installed in the front railing for the first row in case the baked good battlers' brawls get hot and heavy. Some are here for the entertainment, some for the looks on the faces of their rivals as their own world's champion chomps his or her way to victory, and some are simply here for the free cake at the end, the lousy bums! As the tables of luscious desserts are prepared and piled up for the rounds ahead, the crowds' gazes transfix to the challenging tasks awaiting our fine warriors.

Hundreds of competitors have risen to this harrowing ordeal, their plethora of physiques, builds, and biology an inspiration to all young and aspiring participants. Even as their final, precious moments of pregame training come to an end, a chorus of grunts, groans, and cries of fury signal their desires to be the ICEC Grand Champion. Only twenty minutes remain before they will be pitted against one another in a tasty tussle, one on one, gradually making their ways through the preliminary rounds until only a handful are standing tall, ready to begin the eat-offs in the quarter-finals, semi-finals, and two shall butt heads in the grand finale, craftily consuming one giant chocolate frosted vanilla cake, six feet wide and eight feet high, faster than their nemesis. Its true terror is that we laced the batter with a fiery hot sauce, making them struggle for their title of Grand Champion with every fiber of their being.

It seems that we have two titans in our midst who honor us with their very presence. One is our esteemed Grand Champion from the last year's challenge, who deftly dodged a dairy dilemma by eating a ten pound ice cream cake with rock hard peanut butter candies, and, in a hateful nerd rage, threw a marzipan cupcake squarely into the face of an ornery onlooker, booing him from the stands. The very mention of his name sends pangs of unchained dread to all who would dare try to match his fervent, blatant, and unhealthy obsession with baked desserts. He is the one, the only, the impervious NIGEL RATBURN!

The second, no doubt intentionally distancing herself from her long time rival, was the finalist whom Ratburn trumped for the ultimate title. She would have come out on top, eating her six foot tall and four foot wide layered coffee cake, drizzled in sticky, viscous caramel like a fountain, before the rat could eat his own, but the muscles in his mouth were like vices, slamming down the caramel with the ferocity afforded him. He almost choked to death, passing out soon after, but claimed the prize, much to her ire. She's the one they call, the Monarch of Mousse, the Hooved Heroine, and, to some of her more adoring fans, the Foxy Filly. She eats like a trucker and never destroys her gorgeous figure. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, PRINCESS CELESTIA OF EQUESTRIA!

As the opening ceremonies continued on, Arthur, Buster, and Francine were gathered around the former champ on the outside of the competition field as he performed a set of jumping jacks, sweat pouring from his brows as he nervously exerted himself to the appropriate maximum.

"One...two...three..." Arthur counted with a stopwatch in his hands, "...four... good good..."

He had been appointed by his friends to help Ratburn warm up for the carnage to come, since Buster just came for the cake, and Francine just wanted to see if Ratburn really was "all that and a bag of potato chips". Arthur watched his teacher as his breathing continuously became more and more thin, and his hands clumsily flopped together over his head.

"Maybe you should take it easy, Mr. Ratburn. I mean, you've already tired yourself out pretty well, and you aren't even at the first round yet."

The stubborn rat grunted as he continued pushing through the pain.

"Arthur, I have to be in immaculate condition, which includes being incredibly hungry after a rousing warm-up."

Even as he reasoned with the aardvark, Ratburn felt his muscles protest greatly, and decided to pin his hands onto his thighs and bend over, resting after the crazy amount of stretching and toning he had done so far. With the green sweatpants and sweatshirt he was wearing, some of the only clothes he wouldn't mind slathering cake on, he was getting rather hot despite the cool breeze entering from the north. He donned his grey t-shirt underneath with the logo "Elwood University" as he hurriedly shed the sweaty garment.

"You've only got twenty minutes," Francine's voice seemed to echo Arthur's concerns, "you really should be resting before the match. You know, to conserve your energy."

"Yeah, it wouldn't be good if you passed out again, or even worse, threw up." Buster decided to put in his two cents.

The serious eyes of the tired teacher scanned each of his students' faces while his breathing came back to normal. He supposed it would be alright to take a minute to plan his advancement through the competition. He smiled to his pupils gratefully for keeping his thoughts in perspective.

"I suppose I could...," Ratburn stretched his arms over his head a little, "just stand around and relax for a tiny bit. Would any of you like to take a walk through the crowd with me, or are you going to sit here and wait?"

"Nah, I think I'm good," Buster nonchalantly made his way over to his seat, ready for a pregame nap in the wonderfully sunny and cool weather of the day.

"Arthur? Francine?" Ratburn gave them a look of vague questioning, not really minding if he walked alone or not.

"I think I'll just stay over here," Francine sat in her own seat since she wasn't up to a walk right now.

"I'll come with you, Mr. Ratburn. I've been standing in one spot for like thirty minutes helping with the exercises. I need to work out some cramps in my legs."

"Alright Arthur, come with me then."

Ratburn and Arthur slipped into the crowd of enthusiastic exercisers, moving around the field as they soaked up the passion emitting from their soon-to-be rivals.

As Rainbow Dash sat in her seat on the sidelines opposite of Ratburn and his students, she was actually rather impressed to watch their seemingly silver spoon-fed, pampered co-regent positively brimming with raw, frenzied competitiveness when the weights around her legs jostled up and down as she rapidly ran in place.

"Wow, she's really getting into this..." Dash didn't want to admit it, but maybe there was more to this "challenge", as she had sarcastically derided before, than she had originally thought.

Twilight, as the self-appointed trainer/assistant for Celestia, should have been counting the numerous times her hooves had fallen, and then risen, but her focus was more on all of the otherworldly spectators and combatants, taking in every oddity or similarity to their own species and storing it in some infinite filing cabinet housed in her brain.

"Hooo...Twilight?" Celestia kept the fast pace up as her heart was nearly bounding out of her chest, "Twilight, are you still counting?"

As Celestia had raised her voice only slightly to seek confirmation, the unicorn's head turned toward the princess and a guilty look was plastered on her face.

"Oh, I'm so sorry Princess Celestia! I was just starting some notes on all of those wonderful creatures out there. You never told me there would be so many!"

The princess of the sun huffed, both in the rigors of hard exercise and a slight sense of exasperation as she slowed to a power walk, finally ending at a stand still, "Well, my faithful student, I did say that it was an "inter-dimensional" contest, and there are many, many different species present."

Celestia finally noticed after a few moments of heavy breathing that Twilight's attention was slipping back to the crowds of creatures.

"Ahem..." she coughed just loud enough to divert the purple pony's attention.

"Oh...yes Princess, you were saying?" Twilight looked embarrassed, but not enough to not steal little glances in the direction of the training athletes.

"Twilight, we must continue with the exercises. I need to be at my peak if I plan to be the victor."

"Oh Princess Celestia," Pinkie Pie excitedly comforted her, half-focused on the yummy cakes being hoisted onto the large tables in the center of the field, "you've been exercising for weeks now. I'm sure you'll win, hooves down, no contest!"

The sun goddess gave a warm grin to the pink mare, glad to know that Pinkie was cheering in her corner. She turned away for a brief second to assess the crowd of her enemies, at least for this challenge.

"Pinkie Pie, thank you, you're..."

She was about to finish that statement, but as she turned back to where she thought Pinkie was a moment ago she soon realized, with a subtly surprised look, that she had already made her way over to the luscious cakes just waiting to be devoured. Dash must've noticed too, because she commented re-actively.

"Oh that Pinkie Pie, hopefully she doesn't sample all of the cakes, or else there's going to be holes in everything!" she smiled, amused by her friend's zest for the event.

Celestia could feel the heated aching of her legs. Fortunately, she still had twenty minutes left, and in that time could take a short breather, all while strategically planning for the rocky road awaiting her.

"I suppose I really should gather my strength for the upcoming tournament. I feel like a brisk, cleansing walk to assess my competition and clear my senses. Would anypony like to join me?"

Celestia referred only to the two ponies close to their area of the park grounds, as Pinkie Pie was busy being nearly shooed off for trying to touch the melty merchandise. A lone, purple hoof flew up into the air in front of the ex-champion, signaling a particularly intrepid librarian's need for up close and personal research.

"Ooh, I'll come! Just let me get my note pad from my saddlebag! I've got tons of things to write down before it starts!" Twilight rushed over to their designated seating where her bags were laying on the ground, rifling through them madly to find her little book and pencil. She levitated them through the air upon discovery, and quickly made her way to the princess' side, bubbling with hearty curiosity.

"Alright, my little pony," Celestia giggled at her student's voracious appetite for knowledge, "come with me then."

Both the white mare and one third of her private cheering squad shifted around the various oddities, working their hearts out in a display of their dedication to this sport, delving further into the never-ending pile of practicing professionals. Twilight, as per her usual eccentricities, burnt through the multiple pages of her notebook as scribbles, sketches, and lists were cranking out of her pencil.

* * *

And that was how the two long-time nemeses spotted each other, wading through a dense sea of perspiration and the aromatic scent of determination. As the large, light purple of her eyes met the beady black of his, the comments and questions of their young assistants ignored and downright pushed aside, all other matters became obsolete, and a thick ring of electric tension enveloped them, sending crackles of unbridled fury up their spinal columns. It was inconceivable that these fighters would not have an ever-present score to settle, this contest and these oven-baked treats being the core of both their livelihoods. The cries, shouts, and conversations of the crowd became little more than white noise in the background.

"So you see, Princess Celes..."

"RATBURN!"

Twilight gasped and jumped as a foreign growl escaped her calm, collected majesty's lips. Celestia's teeth were gritted in a display of aggression as she barked to the bane of her cake-loving existence. The frightened filly almost wet herself as her gaze followed the princess' to two unfamiliar bipeds, one wearing some kind of grey shirt, a tall, lanky fellow, while the other one was wearing a bright yellow sweater, bespectacled and a little over half the height of its companion. They were easy to see now since the ten time Grand Champion's shout had drawn awed, fearful stares from the rest of the crowd, scattering to give her and the other harrowing force to be reckoned with their space, taking in the sight with rapt attention.

"Whoa, who's th..."

"CELESTIA!"

In all of the time Arthur had known his hard-nosed scholastic superior, he had never been so crudely cast aside by him, even when completely ignoring the temperamental rat's precious lectures on subjects he couldn't care less about and giving a "duuuuuh!" in response to his questions. The cold, calculating leer on Ratburn's face was enough to turn Arthur into stone, and the balled fists the teacher's hands had turned into were shaking with fevered contempt.

The sheer volume of cake obsession concentrated in the diminishing space between the well-known connoisseurs was enough to make some of the green horns forfeit, sending them packing to their home-worlds with their tails between their legs, and in an event like this, that may not have been just an expression.

As the deadly duo approached a central point, ready to talk some fan-pleasing smack to one another, Arthur and Twilight followed aimlessly, staring at each other, even, with confused, clueless expressions. Ratburn crossed his arms while still eying the princess, his sole obstacle to years of triumph, and snorted derisively.

"Hmmph...look at who decided to show their face after a certain Grand Champion thoroughly decimated them last year!"

The mare gave a sassy smirk to the rat, venom dripping out of every word she spoke as she confronted him.

"If I remember correctly, some rodent almost choked on his hair's width victory. His eyes were practically oozing caramel as everyone watched him pass out."

Ratburn waved her snide remark off with a calm facade, though anger boiled in his stomach from the insinuations.

"Yeah, so what? I still won, in case you've forgotten. You know what I think? I think you just didn't want it enough, Celestia. It just goes to prove that I love cake more than any denizen of the known universe, especially you."

Ratburn took a therapeutic second to bask in the fire of Celestia's heated glare, her anger was his sustenance. She almost pushed her own face up to his, incensed by his audacity.

"You, the one who loves cake more than anyone else in the universe? I think not! Must I remind you of whom that title truly belongs to by beating your hindquarters silly in today's match?"

Arthur and Twilight just stood by their teachers' sides, glancing with nervousness at their immature scuffle. Every so often, they would look at each other, silently asking the other what the hell was going on with their respected mentors. Twilight warily shuffled a little closer to the aardvark, not knowing exactly what or who he was, and made first contact.

"H...hi, these two must really be enthusiastic about all of this, huh?"

Arthur had no idea what this...uh...pony would say to him. Given how violently the taller, white one had reacted to Mr. Ratburn, he wasn't expecting the kind gesture. Though, once he noticed how shy she was, and how nicely she had addressed him, his own meekness started to give out.

"Yeah, but sometimes I think my teacher goes a little overboard with this cake business."

Twilight was relieved that the one with similar height to her had been friendly. His teacher, as he called him, had been gnawing on her own mentor mercilessly, and the unicorn was unsure of the treatment she would receive from the equally shy Arthur.

"Princess Celestia gets kind of over-the-top herself, it's pretty much all she ever thinks about."

The two young acquaintances snorted to each other, understanding etched in every giggle. Arthur suddenly realized what this pony had just called the white one.

"Wow, she's a princess? She certainly isn't acting like it right now."

Twilight felt rather embarrassed for her typically loving ruler, shifting uncomfortably at Arthur's honest thoughts.

"Well, she's usually not like this at all. The princess is a very kind and sweet pony to everyone, well, almost everyone..."

They shared a few more amused hums.

"Oh yeah, I don't think I caught your name. I'm Arthur, and this is Mr. Ratburn, my cake fanatic teacher."

Arthur extended a hand to the unicorn in front of him awkwardly, who noted for later that in their world they have a similar greeting tradition to the hoof-shake.

"Hello Arthur, I'm Twilight Sparkle, but you can just call me Twilight, and this is Princess Celestia, who is also my teacher, and a little bit on the nutty side when it comes to cake."

As the two shook hand and hoof, they discreetly stored the names in their memory banks, mulling over the quaint designations with curiosity and humor.

"So uh...," Arthur began after their shake was done, "should we keep on listening to them tear each other apart?"

Twilight grinned amused as the two old adults bickered like preschoolers, "I don't think we have much of a choice right now."

They listened back into the tirades in motion, having become more and more petty as the minutes went by.

"Oh yeah?" Ratburn had started up again, blood vessels throbbing from his forehead, "Well, I love cake so much, I once used a tub of frosting as toothpaste for three weeks straight!"

"That would explain your half-rotten teeth and gums! I love cake so much, I once baked an entire cake, just so I could tuck it into bed, sing it a lullaby, read it a bedtime story, and kiss it goodnight!"

"You think you're just so clever don't you! I love cake so much, that instead of inviting my family and friends over for a holiday dinner, I baked a family of cakes to replace them. I ate the dinner with them, held extensive conversations about nuclear physics, and gave them a group hug, and IT WAS SWEET!"

Everyone in attendance, not just Celestia, but Arthur, Twilight, and the crowd of contestants and fans cringed in horror at Ratburn's admission. The co-ruler of Equestria wasn't down and out yet, and she was determined to win this pointless battle of pseudo-wit at all costs.

"Well, I love it so much, instead of appointing a governor for a new city I was supposed to be officially opening, I made a cake the governor instead!"

More sharp gasps could be heard from the audience.

"Well, I love it so much more than you, one time, I bought a thousand dollar wedding cake for the sole purpose of taking it out on a date, buying it jewelry, and making dirty, nasty love to it in the back of my Honda!"

The entire area shook as an uproarious applause from the Ratburn fans took to the air. Upon more detailed inspection, some fans were even crying and holding each other at the beautiful display of cake love the rat had screamed at his opponent.

"You just always have to take it that sick, depraved step further, don't you Ratburn? At least I respect my confections enough not to sexually assault them! Maybe please them orally if they ask me to," the princess' gaze shifted side to side guiltily and then refocused, "but certainly not rape!"

Celestia got back up into the scholar's face again, determination filling every ounce of her body.

"...and that is why I'm going to make sure that you run from this competition like the cowardly imp you are!"

Ratburn couldn't be more peeved as he nearly leaned into her with a similar revved up glare.

"I'd like to see you try! I'll squash you like an insect, and laugh in your face as the proctor hands me MY trophy, showing these people, once and for all, just how superior I am!"

The sun princess gave her rival a "hmmph", and turned to her star pupil, staring slack-jawed at the callous display that both adults were a part of.

"Come Twilight, I think we have had enough of this arrogant braggart's hot air for one day!"

Celestia turned around, sticking her rump up insultingly to Ratburn's face and headed back to the sidelines, more eager than ever to trounce him. Twilight disappointingly turned to Arthur yet again, who just smiled wryly and waved goodbye in a show of good faith. Twilight did the same as she turned around and followed the angry mare. Ratburn turned to Arthur with a warning glance, but many times softer than what he had shown to Celestia.

"No fraternizing with the enemy, Arthur. She's just giving you those doe eyes to dampen your spirit. Come, the tournament starts in five minutes."

As Arthur watched his new friend somberly trail the alicorn, he couldn't help but feel a little bad for the actions of his own teacher. Nevertheless, he stood by Ratburn as they made their way over to the other side of the field.

* * *

Here it is, the moment we've all been waiting so patiently to see. In a few minutes, the elimination round of the ICEC shall begin! This first preliminary match is held to weed out most of the contestants. With the sheer amount of competitors clawing their way up the cliff face of creamy loveliness, and the one day limit to the festivities, an unforgiving trial such as this must be enacted.

Per typical competitive eating challenges, it is a fairly standard procedure. All contestants brave enough to face the ICEC head on will be lined up in front of their own two feet wide by three feet high stack of strawberry layers with coconut icing. All contestants allergic to either flavor need not worry, as they are artificial flavors instead of natural. They will all attempt, at the exact same time, to eat theirs faster than any of the other chompers can finish. Those with the 64 fastest times will continue into the bulk of the competition, while the rest are booted back to their own worlds, though not without fabulous consolation prizes. At that point, the one on one matches start, slowly weeding out competitors from 64 to 32 to 16, all the way down to 2 stalwart nibblers.

Here they all are now, being lead to their respective chairs by our referees. The creatures in the stands are starting to go wild as their world's representative steps onto the platform and takes his, her, or its seat. Pretty soon, we'll have everybody up here, and the action shall start very soon.

Once everyone was in their seats, gazing ferociously at their plattered piles while waiting anxiously for the signal to begin. The referees explained the rules to them, emphasizing the importance of not being a bunch of cheaters and trying to pull one over on the judges, as well as their fellow eaters. As they ended, the crowd watched in stunned silence as the referee held up his flare pistol. He gave them a deliberately slow count down, drawing out the anticipation further.

BANG!

The atmosphere filled with the shouts of encouragement from those in the stands along with the gooey garbling sounds emitted by the contestants as they crammed as much cake down their throats as they could, hoping to place in the next rounds. With no drinks allowed while in the process of masticating, the actual difficultly was much higher than some of the more cocky creatures had perceived.

Not so for the green and grey clad rat and his pony princess enemy. They were pros at this kind of thing, and knew better than anyone else how much sweet torture they would be subjected to in this contest. A little less than a minute had passed before the two had hammered down their cakes with laughable impunity, Celestia raising her hoof slightly before Ratburn was capable of raising his own hand.

"DONE!"

"DONE! ERRRRRRGH!"

The rat couldn't believe that hussy had finished before him, and it made him jealously furious. He snarled in her direction and stamped his foot on the ground, earning a subdued royal chuckle from the alicorn. Well, he reasoned that at least he was still in the running, being second place, and Celestia wouldn't be so lucky next time.

For those two fixated cake freaks, the extra millisecond it took for Ratburn to raise his hand was like splitting hairs, as the other chompers, not so seasoned or fortunate, struggled to push through their strawberry treats. Many of them took at least three minutes before signaling their completion. The worst gobblers took over thirty minutes, ensuring their defeat and making them concede sorrowfully.

The personal cheering sections of Ratburn and Celestia, including Arthur, Buster, Francine, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight were floored by the awesome consuming power of their outwardly unassuming mentors. They knew about the training, and they knew about the passion for cakes, but this was the first time they had watched as a cake, sitting in front of either one of them, seemed to vanish as if by a magician's tricks. If not for the frosting facials the two wonders wore, they would've denied any claims that they had actually eaten all of that stuff.

Celestia strutted down the platform with her easy victory, cheers, whistles, and cat-calls ringing in her ears as she made her way slowly back over to their off-field area, blowing kisses and waving to her adoring fan-girls and boys.

"Wow Princess Celestia, that was amazing!" Twilight greeted the first-placer.

"Thank you, my faithful student, I couldn't have done it without your support from the side."

Rainbow Dash was starting to get more into this. With all of the pregame excitement from the announcers, and then what she thought she just witnessed Celestia do, which was completely destroy her competition, she went up to the sun mare with a proudly surprised look on her face.

"That was pretty awesome, Princess! The way you inhaled that thing was just like, WOOOSH!"

Celestia laughed appreciatively at the exaggeration.

"Thank you also, Rainbow Dash. I hope this means that you're starting to like the ICEC."

"I'm not hating it anymore, at least, and after that wicked display, I hope you make it to the finals!"

Before Celestia could say anything further to the blue pegasus, Twilight cut in with her own thoughts.

"Princess, are you sure you're going to be alright? They're going to make you eat lots and lots of cake. You might get sick or hurt yourself eating so much of it."

"Oh Twilight, that's the entire point of this competition. If something like that ever did happen, which I doubt it will personally, I'll be able to handle it."

It wasn't in the unicorn's nature to doubt her astute princess, and hearing her reassurances made the uneasy feelings subside, but it was still a cause for concern if something happened.

Pinkie Pie bounced over to the winner of the preliminaries and enthusiastically showed her own happiness at the turn out.

"That was great Princess! Too bad I didn't sign up for the ICEC before the deadline, 'cause those cakes look really good!"

As the ponies discussed the coming events and gave their co-ruler more praise, the other side of this cake-loving coin was turned toward a different direction. Ratburn had shuffled brokenly off of the platform, making his way back to the three kids, still fuming from the elusive sun goddess' win. Even with as ticked off as he was, his loyal followers in the stands roared triumphantly at his domination of the overall match.

Ratburn somehow silenced the entire rowdy bunch by throwing a warning hand up, ordering them to cease. He didn't actually think it would work, but given his reputation, he was grateful for the ability. He wasn't in the mood to be cheered for such a grievous failure. Head down, he approached the seats of his pupils, where he was bombarded with more praise.

"I've never seen someone eat so much cake in so little time in my entire life, Mr. Ratburn! That was incredible!"

Ratburn looked at Arthur, the first to compliment him, and smiled distantly. "You're too kind, Arthur, but I'm afraid that this isn't a good sign. That Celestia, I should have been the victor here, not her!"

"Why not?" Buster asked with just as much pep in his voice as the aardvark, "You creamed those other guys! They didn't stand a chance!"

Francine sputtered as she listened to the rat demean his own performance, "Geez Mr. Ratburn, I'm surprised you aren't happier about this! I really shouldn't have doubted you, because you just wasted them in not even a minute!"

Ratburn sighed drearily while he sat, resting his stomach, which in all honesty wasn't even hurting, but it was good to take it easy for the ordeals to come.

"I don't know...it makes me nervous. If I was beaten by her so easily here, what's to say she won't steal the title out from under my whiskers?"

"Come on, Champ!" Arthur tried his best to motivate him, and get him over his cold feet, "That isn't any way for a cake lover like you to think! You're unstoppable, and I think you'll definitely win!"

Ratburn put his hands on his head, thinking about the next events with no small amount of dread. Eventually, he opened his eyes, something snapping to attention inside of him, all of the work he had done for this challenge and for his precious molten masterpieces simply could not go to waste.

"Alright," he stood from his sitting position, balling a fist into the air with rising determination, "I'll have to give it my all, but I'm going to best that pony, and show her who the real deal is around here!"

* * *

The next few rounds really were not that important. I mean, at this point, who do you think were the two who got to the final round? Sure, it was difficult for them. Ratburn threw many tantrums when that one person in the stands booed him, and he was about ready to run over there and start an inter-dimensional incident. For someone whose job revolved around intellectual criticism, he sure didn't like taking it, and practically flipped them the bird whenever they would jeer at him. Who would do such a thing, you ask? Well, mostly Celestia supporters, but also some trolls who had come to the competition to make fun of all the "fat-asses who should be picking up weights, and spending less time picking up forks".

Nevertheless, Ratburn smoked the other glaze gobblers with his terrifying stamina, seemingly endless intestine length, and...his secret weapon...chocolate laxatives. His rectum might be a gaping hole after this, but by god, he would have a perfectly prepared stomach every match! He had eaten his way through to the final round, making this his twenty-first year to do so.

Celestia was enjoying similar outcomes of her own, stomping out her opposition one at a time. Just like the other long-time finalist, she too had some difficulties keeping the various cakes down, and having not used the laxative boost the other had, she was fast but had to start pacing herself. Where she excelled in speed, Ratburn excelled in volume, and even more so as he shut down an entire porter-john with a massive load of half-digested desserts. Oh heavens, the humanity of it all!

Anyway, however Ratburn and Celestia had done it, they were one more monstrous cake away from this year's Grand Champion title, and bragging rights to all of their friends, who would then make fun of their deep, unwholesome layer lust. It took an entire crew of hired hands to set up the sturdy table the gigantic hot sauce-laced, chocolate-frosted vanilla cake would sit upon, and to stack up, one at a time, the levels of fiery hot inferno, six feet wide by eight feet high. The captive audience spoke amongst each other, making various comments about the two warriors, or their latest conundrum itself.

"This is it Mr. Ratburn," Arthur looked upon the half-dead chewer, burping every five seconds, and a slimy mix of perspiration, his competitors' vomit, and other unknown bodily fluids staining his shirt, "one more of these, and you'll be the winner!"

Although the sight of him was disgusting to the three anthropomorphic students, they were exalted to know someone so dedicated, talented, and stupid enough to nearly kill himself for this challenge.

"Oh...oh goodness...I don't...I don't know if...I can...make it, children..."

"You've gotta do it Mr. Ratburn," Francine almost knocked him over with a pat on the back, making his eyes bulge painfully, "you're so close!"

"Yeah," Buster gave him a confident look, "you aren't just going to let that pony princess take away your hard-earned prize now, are you?"

Ratburn fell to his knees, planting his hands into the ground. Standing was momentarily not an option as he heaved to quell the garbles in his stomach.

"Ugh...you're right, I must...I must beat her! That's the only real reason I come here anyway, to see the look on her face when I wrench the ultimate victory out of her grubby little hooves!"

He coughed up something that could've been mistaken for green icing, though could just as easily have been his shredding organs. Arthur brought him over his water bottle, letting him sip liberally from the long spout. The relief was quenching as he breathed a little easier, clearing the way to eat further than he had felt possible before.

"Thank you, Arthur, I won't let you kids down! Even if this thing kills me, I'm going to win this for all of you!"

Ratburn ran to the porter-john one last time to the concerned looks of his charges, flushing out the rest of his system and preparing for the final showdown.

"Okay Princess Celestia, just one more round and then you'll have beaten everypony and won the Grand Championship!"

Although Twilight was trying to motivate her, Celestia was having trace issues hearing her star pupil over the deafening scream of her stomach to stop abusing it. Her immaculate white coat had become greyish and stained with sweat. The billowy mane she usually kept was now getting matted down in her face and fur with the heavy clamminess. Sprawled out on the ground, gracefully mind you, she huffed heavily, wondering if the next fight would be her last.

"Ugh...Twilight, I don't feel so well right now. I'm not sure I'll be able to defeat Ratburn at this rate."

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, who by now were so into the action that they were almost as fanatic as some of those in the stands, had run up to the princess' side to try to pick her up off the ground. The feat ended up being more arduous than either had expected.

"Oof...come on, Princess," Dash huffed as she fanned the alicorn with her wings and tried to assist Pinkie in lifting her to her hooves, "you've only got ONE MORE MATCH!"

Pinkie grunted trying to pick up the sun mare, finding it near impossible for her to do it alone with her size and cake-filled insides. "You can't let that nasty, naughty rat win! He's such a meanie to everypony, and he'll rub it in your face if he does!"

As she was being unsuccessfully hoisted up by her pink subject, Celestia thought back to every championship where Ratburn had come out on top, including the last. How he would pompously throw those "fists" of his in the air and give a primal shout to the audience, even daring members of the stands to come down and challenge him, as if he were some kind of super-mouse. He would cup his ears as the crowd cheered him on, implying that they weren't screaming loudly enough. Then, the worst part of all...the crotch thrust... There were young, impressionable children in this audience after all, and he would wave his lower body around obscenely like some kind of sloppy belly dancer! What's worse, his own moronic fan-base would be hooting and hollering while he did it.

No, that kind of debauchery would not be displayed here today! If Celestia had anything to say about it, she would make Ratburn pay for every shattered childhood that dirty dance embodied! She lifted herself up eventually, spurred on by her own musings. Shakily, she greeted her cheerleaders with a warm, weary grin.

"My thanks again, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and you too Twilight. I'm not at my best, but I think I've got enough in me for the final fight. This is just something I have to do! Ratburn and I have been at odds for many years, and part of the grandeur of the ICEC is when I beat him and make him retreat back to his home-world like a cowardly rodent, which I suppose this time is here in Elwood City."

Twilight put a hoof on her mentor's shoulder in support, "I think that it's a great thing to have such passion for a competition, I'm sure you will be victorious, Princess! Just please, be careful out there."

Celestia reassured the unicorn she would be fine, taking a few calming breaths and making her way back over to start the grand finale.

"Ladies, Gentleman, and...creatures of all ages," the announcer wildly recited into his microphone near center stage, "our cake eaters have fought valiantly, voraciously, and vehemently to stride toward the top of this humongous pyramid we call the Inter-dimensional Cake Eating Challenge! Now, two finalists have earned their way up, eliminating wave after wave of rigorous battlers, and persevering in the face of fullness! These two superior sages of the slurp are none other than Mr. Nigel Ratburn and Princess Celestia of Equestria!"

Ratburn walked out onto the field, a thunderous racket vibrating the "stadium". He acknowledged his fans with brazen gusto, throwing his arms up and giving a scream representative of his excitement. Celestia walked calmly out onto her side of the cake, earning plenty more whistles and cat-calls from the audience. She put on a big smile and waved to her loving fans.

"YEAH, GO MR. RATBURN!" Arthur, Buster, and Francine yelled on the sidelines.

"GOOD LUCK, PRINCESS CELESTIA!" Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie cheered for their ruler.

As they approached the darkly frosted mammoth on either side of the table, Ratburn and Celestia met eyes once again, staring daggers into the other.

"This is it, Princess," Ratburn chuckled menacingly, "ready to be sent packing with your consolation prize?"

Celestia's fake smirk oozed condescension as she responded.

"If anyone's going home with a consolation prize, it's going to be you, Ratburn!"

In a show of aggressive dominance, Ratburn slammed his palms on the table in front of him, taking up a fighting stance dramatically. With a lack of such unbridled fury, Celestia nevertheless leaned into her side of the cake, the sharp sting in her eyes not letting up on the obstacle to her trophy.

The announcer, seeing the unbreakable focus in the two participants' faces, needed not ask them if they were ready. His skin was already boiling under the intense pressure these two exuded.

"Alright," he passionately started up again, "the rules in this final match are clear! The one with the highest amount of cake eaten in the fastest time will be our winner! This is it everyone, prepare yourselves!"

On a large screen over the audiences' heads, the number three showed in big red dots. As it did so, the announcer yelled into the microphone ravenously while everyone else counted down with him.

"THREE...TWO...ONE...GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The observers could swear that the cake violently jiggled with the shark-like impact Ratburn and Celestia made on the bottom of the huge behemoth. Their jaws were set in motion, eviscerating the tasty concoction with every fibrous muscle they could employ. They desperately sucked down every little drop they could with lightning speed, dreading the harmful after effects.

Ratburn felt the heat first. His throat burned painfully, his mouth was on fire, and his eyes nearly swelled shut from the devilish hot sauce bath the innocent-looking cake was basted in. His howl of discomfort was little more than a moan as he continued to ravish further into the deadly delicacy.

Celestia wasn't far off, as her trademark velocity faltered considerably under the incredible blistering sensation on her tongue, as well as the heavy, peppered smell invading her nostrils. Her own eyes viced together wantonly to expel the foreign feelings, but she blindly dug through the melting marvel, trying to remember to rasp breaths through her throat despite the anguish.

Wherever their mouths felt the substance, it was quickly ingested and forgotten for the morsels around it. Without their normal sight, it was all they could really do. They were neck and neck with one another, both frenzied participants not giving up any head way. At the climactic final moments of their struggle, Ratburn and Celestia's stomachs broiling angrily, and their eyes sealed shut by a trail of tears, they had consumed about four fifths of the cake together while their watchers were frantically clamoring, and just had a little more...just a little more...

"GO GO COME ON MR. RATBURN!"

"PUSH IT TO THE MAX, PRINCESS CELESTIA!"

A few more pieces left... A few more... THEY'RE DONE!...

Cries and laughter ascended to a fever pitch, as the fans were absolutely convinced that the one they were routing for had eaten the most in the least amount of time.

Wait a minute...what's going on with them...what are they doing?

Ratburn and Celestia had finished, alright, but something strange was happening on center stage. Arthur took off his glasses, then put them back on, after his jaw dropped, just to be sure what he had seen was not an illusion. Buster was sitting next to him at the time, and his face turned from a solid white to a pale greenish-red, looking disoriented and like he was about to be sick. Francine just gaped uncontrollably, every once in a while shouting disbelief.

"Wh...wh...wh...wh...wh...WHAT?"

Twilight's tongue lolled out of her mouth with a disgusted sneer in her eyes, blanching at the scene she could have sworn was a trick of the light. Pinkie Pie didn't seem to be too weirded out by it though, she thought it was somewhat...quaint...actually. This wasn't so with Rainbow Dash, who could be heard mewling in hilarious disgust.

"Yuck...that's just so...yuck!"

A stunned, horrified drop in sound seemed to reverberate throughout the crowded seats of fans, some even showing their own displeasure at such a freaky scene. One little kid even screeched through the stadium.

Ratburn and Celestia were inexplicably wrapped up in devouring that cake and claiming victory. However, after their eyes were clamped shut, there was no way they could've known when to stop. Ratburn felt a weird pressure on his lips, it was unlike the foamy texture that seemed to give in with a press of his tongue and teeth. In fact, whatever road block he had just come upon was similarly working against his mouth greedily. The firm, silky warmth was certainly not unpleasant, but he had a match to win, and nothing would get in his way.

Celestia knew she had won this match when the deafening yells reached her ears. However, as she tried to finish off the rest of the cake, a slightly rough, wriggly texture, unlike the feasted on morsels, worked in tandem against her lips. It tickled a little, and wasn't entirely unwanted, but she was determined to focus on her mission.

However, once the grating sound of a little child's voice punctured both of their ears...

"EEEEEEEEEW! LOOK MOMMY, THEY'RE KIIIIIIISSING!"

As the heat of the sauce subsided, Ratburn's eyes shot open, wide as dinner plates, pretty surprising considering they're usually little beads. Upon Celestia's recovery, she too wrenched her eyes open, able to now see the precarious position that she and Ratburn were stuck in.

As they pulled away from each other quickly, time and the randy whistling from the crowd froze. They disbelievingly stared at their rival, wondering why the hell either of them had gotten into that position in the first place. They took note that there was some kind of red dust on the others cheeks. Could that possibly have been the hot sauce or... They glanced away quickly, uncomfortable under the curious gaze of their competitor, quickly stealing little looks when they thought the other wasn't looking. Surely it was an accident, but more importantly for Ratburn and Celestia, it had been a rush. It had been...pretty damn exciting...despite their sloppy, uncouth circumstances.

A seat for each competitor had been placed close to the tournament table, and both of them bashfully took their seats. They should've been clamoring for the results of the battle. They should have been tearing each others heads off for cheating. They should have been smearing the remains of the frosting in the faces of their equal, now trumped in the fight that really counted. It was especially a wonder how both of them were not moaning for a bathroom or showing any signs of stomach cramping at all! However, the thick oohs, ahs, and giggling sighs of the crowd that had watched the two swap more than just cake residue sobered their fighting spirit. Not to mention the unintentionally passionate display was a little more than conflicting for them too, and mitigated the pains in their bodies that they would certainly feel tomorrow.

The announcer's own jaw had yet to be proverbially picked up from the contest floor as the judges and proctor made their way over to him. They whispered a few little statements into his ears, earning back some of his attention and driving him out of his shock induced coma.

"Oh...yes...the results," the announcer cleared his throat again and addressed the crowd, eager to see who had come out the Grand Champion, and some who just wanted Ratburn to make out with Celestia again.

"This has been the closest judgement in the history of the ICEC! Without further ado, since I have to run home soon and change my pants after that unpredictable exchange..."

The crowd leaned in with a "hmmmmmmmm". The contestants, as drained of all energy as they were, still perked their ears to listen to who had won.

"The winner, and new Inter-dimensional Cake Eating Challenge Grand Champion is...!"

A/N - "is...a CLIFF HANGER!" AHAHAHAHA! Don't worry guys, I won't leave you in the dark for long, since this will be a multi-chapter work. Thanks, bye.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N - Chapters will probably be a little shorter than the last one. With the other stories going on, I can't really upkeep 12000 words a chapter. Also, I'm changing it to "T" until I put something in worthy of the "M" rating, which I may not.

"The winner, and new Inter-dimensional Cake Eating Challenge Grand Champion is...!"

Hearts pounded from their rib-cages and rang in their ears as the announcer excitedly held up a hand, his voice blaring through the PA system of the makeshift park-stadium.

"...A TIE! For the first time in ICEC history, we have a dead-heat tie for first place!"

For most of the event, nothing but positive encouragement could be heard from most of the fans. However, once the controversial declaration was made, a large, red, angry chorus of boos, hisses, and demands for retribution tore through the evening sky.

"Ladies and gentlemen, your new ICEC Grand Champions, Princess Celestia of Equestria, and Mr. Nigel Ratburn!"

The impassioned scene Ratburn and Celestia shared just moments before was trumped by a wave of outrage. One could swear Ratburn's teeth were grinding together hard enough to make flour for bread, while Celestia gasped in pure horror with a loathing scowl crossing her features at the obviously rigged, half-assed ruling. The volatile rat launched out of his seat, kicking it behind him as hard as he could.

"I DEMAND A RECOUNT!"

He was about ready to go over and punch the emcee in the face if not for the tight security already trying to calm the rebellious crowd. Celestia stood from her own seat, though throwing less of a tantrum than her combatant did.

"I DEMAND A REMATCH!"

Upon hearing Celestia, Ratburn turned in her direction, shooting another icy stare at her as she did to him. Though imperceptibly, wisps of the encounter before had softened their cold-blooded fury, and only angered them more in confusion. The announcer tried his best to ensure the attendees of the undeniable validity and fairness of the judges deliberation.

"People, people, there was no doubt in any of the judges' minds that both Mr. Ratburn and Princess Celestia had eaten the same volume of cake in the same amount of time! The rules are the rules, and for the sake of strict adherence to schedule, no overtime tie-breaker rounds are allowed!"

"HAAAANG HIIIIIM!" one of the approaching dissenters cried as a huge mob was starting to surround the center field.

The announcer swiftly called for more reinforcements on the security, as the current interspersed sentries were being pushed back by the angry patrons, tanked on various forms of alcohol, some not entirely legal slipping past the front counter checks. As he tried further and more desperately to calm everyone down, they just forced their ways through harder. They became more violent, shouting curses and shoving the security guards out of their ways, and the guards had to counteract it. The detainment methods they used escalated to inflicting physical harm on the fans, which only spurred them on more. Soon, it became nothing but pure survival instinct as the two warring sides began a stadium-wide street-fight, beating and bashing at everything that was or wasn't in a blue jumpsuit.

Here, the ICEC experienced the worst post-game riot in almost one-hundred years...

How the chaos had been quelled was anyone's guess. It might have been the security team, showering tear gas, police batons, and rubber bullets on the exacerbated patrons intent on quenching their blood-lust. Maybe a few of them had come to admit that the two contestants were reasonably matched by each other, and begrudgingly conceded to the still very watered-down results. Within the hour, various slices of succulent cake were divvied up between the calmed audience, thanking one another and happily digging in. Most of the crowds and contestants were counting on returning home as soon as possible, therefore leaving well before the munchies were passed out.

Ratburn had sprinted for the next available toilet again, the combination of thick, moist dessert and scorching hot sauce left whatever remained of his blown out colon unbearable to abuse anymore tonight. Celestia tried to be as dignified as possible in securing her own porter-john, but with the lines going on forever and five minute waits a piece, she had to all but toss someone aside, slamming the door behind her and leaving her own sizable impression on the smell receptors of anyone unlucky enough to pass by. All in all, they both thought the ruling was flawed, but as for their performances, they knew they both gave it everything they had, though they still claimed victory over the other nevertheless.

As the opening ceremonies concluded, Ratburn and Celestia being rewarded while they shared a "#1" platform, trying to bump each other off at some points, the remains of the excitement of the grueling whole day of stuffing themselves silly subsided. The cheering sections trickled toward their vehicles, tour buses, mobile homes, and interplanetary craft, celebrating the memorable event as one they would not easily forget, or in some drunks' cases, remember the next day.

"Well...Celestia..." Ratburn went up to her one last time before they packed up their things and headed off to their destinations. He wanted to remain firm and strong, giving a front of confidence, but the heated encounter from that last match caused him to gulp slightly now as he gazed into her eyes. It wasn't like him to lose his trademark champion mentality, but this new perspective of the white princess was messing with his head. Why was this woman, among the many others he had been so free and able to cast aside, suddenly so striking, so unapproachable, so...alluring? He tried to shake the thoughts out, but to no avail. He couldn't kid himself that the sun goddess was the major reason he kept on coming back to the ICEC every year, even if that urge was simply to challenge the mare. Either way, he had to speak to her now, can't make this more awkward than it already is.

"Yes...Nigel?..." She couldn't keep herself from using his first name, as she would typically spit out his last as if it were a piece of garbage in competition. She noticed the change in his demeanor instantly, the sweaty brow, the nervous eye shifts. Somehow, his actions were contagious as she felt a lump in her own throat at what he might possibly say. Celestia couldn't deny what had just happened on that stage either, and the long forgotten feeling it stirred in her. What feeling exactly? Well, that's the difficult part to tell. For so many years she thought he was kind of repulsive. He always had to one-up everyone when it came to loving cake, and was an incredibly sore winner, loser, and everything in between. Though, she had known him for so long now, and not only did she expect him to come to every ICEC, she sort of found herself...wanting him to be there. He seemed to want to say something, so she steeled herself and waited for him.

"...You fought valiantly...good match..."

In a gesture Celestia never, in a million years, thought she would have seen the rat perform to her, he extended his arm and hand, indicative of his desire to shake her hoof. It surprised her, to say the least, if the dumbfounded "o" she gave him was any indication. The look on his face was quite awkward, as it held a little tinge of something. Was it humiliation, embarrassment, or some foreign emotion entirely? Although the fellow champion didn't want to push her luck, seeing as she felt the same unease in speaking to him, a stray thought left her lips before she could wrangle it back into her mind.

"Why Mr. Ratburn, is the formidable Father of Frosting actually congratulating little old me?"

Ratburn shifted uncomfortably, almost angrily so, as Celestia teased him in his moment of weakness. It was exactly the response she had hoped for, though it crossed her mind that she didn't want to emasculate him or anything, which seemed like a possibility.

"If you're going to be THAT way..." the rat almost retracted his handshake, humiliation creeping through his body at her quip. Before he could even finish his spoken thought, Celestia's hoof shot out to him, making him involuntarily grab as his opponent shook his hand in reciprocation.

"You were a staunch contender yourself, Nigel...I agree it was a good match indeed!"

If one image would be implanted in Ratburn's mind from this whole tournament, it would be the way Celestia smiled openly, warmly, and to him of all creatures. In the twenty years he had participated in the ICEC, he never once saw her give him any look but a heated, competitive glare, or, if he was lucky, an ice cold smirk denoting her victories over him. It could've just been the dimming stadium lighting, casting a mysterious glowing effect over the field, but he saw just how brightly her eyes shined at him. His arm almost went limp, forgetting their good faith motion, as his attention was completely arrested by them. It was so unusual, a little upsetting, given his initial impressions of her being some she-devil banshee who lived to destroy his fame, fortune, and worst of all, test his love for cake with her own. Then again, here he was, entranced by them for one reason or another, unable to make heads or tails of the whole situation.

"Yes...well..." Ratburn had to clear his throat, that had gone dry, after the shaking was done, "I suppose I will be seeing you again at the next year's ICEC then?"

"Wow Nigel, way to keep your cool! You sound like you just sucked in some helium!" he admonished himself for being so tightly wound, still keeping a hopefully collected level of eye contact with the mare.

Celestia reasoned with herself that maybe Ratburn was just suffering some after-burn from the sizzling cake. He looked and sounded far too nervous for her own comfort. If he had been completely recovered from their kiss scene and hadn't been shaking in his shoes, she would've been able to discard the weird thoughts and feelings going through her own mind much easier. This, however, was intensifying her awareness that things had somehow changed between them without either of them knowing it. She hoped her own voice wouldn't crack like his did...

"I certainly will! I have to reclaim that which is rightfully mine, and mine alone, after all!"

The rat was submerged in relief at the knowledge. It seems as if she didn't register his tiny hints, admitting, through body language, that the kiss had prodded something deep in his soul, and had been further tempered with the flames of rivalry. He was, after all, a competitive being. He always wanted to know more and be more distinguished than his colleagues, and to be the greatest molder of young minds that had ever walked the Earth. This situation was no different. Somehow, the ire he felt toward her, and the love of cake they both vehemently fought over had turned into something strangely bonding between them. This was reinforced by the second reason he was relieved at her response, that he secretly wanted to see her again...no...scratch that...he NEEDED to see her again.

"Oh ho ho," he fake chuckled to keep those feelings from surfacing, "I think not, my dear! It is I who will win the next contest! You will not be so fortunate the NEXT time we meet!"

At least Ratburn seemed to be livening up a little. The sun goddess was grateful for that display. She unconsciously sized him up in her head as she took in his somewhat more confident form. Celestia wasn't completely sure what Ratburn's world was like, but she had a good idea of the kind of character he was. He gave off that aura of anxiety around other women that told her he must not have much experience in the arena of opposite gender relationships. In fact, she had even watched him shy away from most females at this event despite the cocky, overblown attitude he demonstrated to her and the rest of his idiotic fan-base. It was never made clear whether or not he had ever had a wife, or...girlfriend, she remembered the alternative for marefriend, for that matter. Though, such information probably wouldn't come up at the ICEC. She actually felt kind of...flattered that not only was she the only female he had ever openly criticized, ridiculed, or socialized with at all, but that now, with this new development, she seemed to be the first female to fluster him into opening up to her, and possibly feeling something he had hardly ever felt before.

"Oh, I think you'll eat your words soon enough, Ratburn!"

Ratburn couldn't think of anything else to say. He didn't want to stick around with the princess raising his body temperature, but he also didn't want to leave either, knowing that Celestia would go back to her world soon enough. He turned his head, looking for something else to comment on before she could leave. It seemed as if Arthur was speaking to the princess' little violet friend about something. He clasped on the opportunity like his life depended on it.

"Would you look at that, Celestia. I think Arthur's taken a bit of a shine to your..."

"Student, Mr. Ratburn, and also my subject, though we share a pretty close relationship. Twilight Sparkle is her name."

Ratburn couldn't have broken the tension better himself as he stifled a laugh at the unicorn's absurd sounding name. He dared not offend the purple filly's teacher and have her upset with him.

"They...seem to be getting along quite nicely, don't you think?"

...and why would Ratburn ask something like that? Was he trying to suggest something between the two, or worse, correlating the two students' friendly conversation to Ratburn and Celestia's own? Perhaps she was being a bit single-minded about it. They seemed to be having a good time together over there, and he was probably just commenting on it passively.

"I suppose they are. It is a little surprising, as they were on opposite cheering sections the entire time, but that doesn't look like it has stopped them from...getting to know one another."

Oh lord, even Arthur and Twilight couldn't get their minds off of it. Innuendo floated humidly in the space between Celestia and her rival, resulting in Ratburn's nervous coughing fit. She almost wished she hadn't said anymore on the scene.

"I guess..." the rat turned back to her, "I should be getting Arthur back to his parents, and I need to go home and map out some lesson plans for class tomorrow."

Celestia vaguely remembered hearing about his teaching job at the local elementary school at one of the challenges. No real surprises there. If he was as heated about teaching as he was about cake, his students probably get a good mental workout from him.

"Yes...I should be heading back to Equestria soon as well. An entire country doesn't just run itself, you know."

"No...it sure doesn't..."

Was that some kind of wayward sigh that came out of Ratburn's mouth? He was turning away from her, intending to head off to his own student to take him home. As Celestia thought, Ratburn wasn't suave with goodbyes, though she couldn't blame him since she was the one letting him walk away from her without saying anything else in return. A niggling urge to call out to Ratburn as he became more distanced nearly throttled her, but she knew it would just make the uncomfortable scene even worse if she did. It was best to let him go back to his own life, and for her to go back to hers. As he did so, Celestia felt a tingle of disappointment, like she was losing the company of a friend or family member for a long time. Oh who was she trying to hide from? It was more than a small tingle...

Arthur had been in the middle of a conversation with his new friend when Ratburn called out for him to go.

"So you see, that's when Binky gave George another swirly, and..."

"Arthur, we need to get going, your parents will be worried if we stay out all night."

Twilight was having a good time hearing about all of the foolhardy, though interesting, misadventures Arthur and his buddies got into, but they whirled over to Ratburn the moment he called out to the aardvark, abruptly bringing this little chat to an end.

"Aw, come on Mr. Ratburn, I was just about to get to the good part of the story!"

Ratburn didn't want to be pushy, but he had to get out of there as fast as he could. The princess was one of those reasons, but the other was much more urgent. He whispered his need to void his bowels in a hopefully more pleasant way than it sounded, earning a knowing gasp from Arthur.

"OH...maybe we should get going then!"

Arthur turned to his new unicorn companion, unsure how to end their talk without seeming rude or putting her off. Before he could speak, Twilight gave him an understanding nod and spoke first.

"I know, you've gotta get going, don't you? It's okay, I had a great time meeting you, and you know where to find me if you're ever in Equestria..."

"...the tree-house library in...Ponyville right?" Arthur still had a hard time not busting a gut at the names of places Twilight had told him, all of which oddly complimented the world of ponies she had introduced him to, but he asked her with a straight face somehow.

"Yeah, that's the one! I should probably get going too, Princess Celestia has to get back for a meeting in the morning."

She held her hoof out for Arthur who grasped it, giving each other a parting gesture. Arthur gave her a mutual grin, demonstrating his own happiness at talking with her.

"I really liked meeting you too, Twilight. We should hang out again sometime if that's possible."

"Yeah...I would like that."

With a wave goodbye, Twilight made her way back over to the princess of the sun, who was observing the scene with some interest. Celestia seemed a little spaced out to Twilight, she was watching as Ratburn had dashed over to another stall before the two went back to their places of residence. However, she must have registered Twilight's existence enough to speak with her.

"Come Twilight, let's head back over to our seats and gather up Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie to depart."

Only a minute of silence was shared between the two until Twilight noticed that Celestia was constantly taking glances behind her and looking back to the front with an abashed half-frown on her face.

"So Princess, what did that Mr. Ratburn say to you while Arthur and I were talking?"

"Oh...well he was simply congratulating me for a job well done, as I also did with him."

Twilight could have sworn that the princess was avoiding eye contact with her as she was erratically clearing her windpipe and speaking with less poise than was typical for her.

"Hmm...that's odd, I thought you two were at each others throats during the tournament."

Celestia stood in place for a moment, trying to think of a legitimate excuse for their niceties, "Winning this competition is very important to both of us... Our tempers flare sometimes, but we always manage to keep the aftermath very professional...and civil..."

It sounded legitimate enough for Twilight, though it was still pretty weird that the princess and Ratburn were on such friendly terms after their near blowout earlier that day. Twilight inspected Celestia's face a little closer, to which the white mare's eyes shifted in her direction and briskly returned to their forward focus. She was definitely concerned about something that she wasn't divulging to her pupil, but what?

"...If you say so...Princess Celestia..."

Twilight wasn't letting this go, not by a long shot. However, Celestia didn't seem intent on spilling much about her troubles, so the unicorn would wait it out, for now. They had a few days or so before she, Dash, and Pinkie left for Ponyville again, and hopefully in that time, she'd get to the bottom of the predicament.

Arthur had been waiting outside the porter-john his sickly teacher invaded for almost ten minutes before Ratburn emerged, freeing a pungent stench from within.

"Ack...ugh...that's just gross, Mr. Ratburn!"

Ratburn readjusted his sweatpants and the sweatshirt he had donned after the temperature dropped later in the night.

"Arthur, if I could ever give you an important word to live by, never eat laxatives to cheat your way through an eating contest. I can hardly stand after that."

Ratburn motioned for Arthur to follow him back over to the site where Buster and Francine would also need to be brought home to their parents. As Arthur walked by him, the rat ended up having to hobble for reasons best left unexplained. Torn-out-rectum walk aside, there were other unusual things that Ratburn was doing. Arthur noticed interestedly that Ratburn was turning to longingly stare behind him every few seconds, seeming disappointed when he couldn't find what or who he was searching for.

"Hey Mr. Ratburn," Arthur began hesitantly, "what are you looking for?"

Ratburn's fleeting shocked look turned to a reassuring smile as he regarded Arthur, a smile that Arthur could tell wasn't genuine.

"Nothing Arthur, just wondering about a few things..."

Arthur ventured forth to uncover the reason behind his nervousness, "Did that um...Princess Celestia say something awful to you?"

The student noted mentally that Ratburn tensed at the mention of his pony rival.

"Whatever would make you think that, Arthur? We...fight all of the time. Nothing she could say or...do to me would be out of the ordinary..."

This made Arthur even more curious. Ratburn was fidgeting with the collar of his sweatshirt as if he were about to take it off. Wasn't he just freezing before the whole...kissing incident happened?

"Then do you mind if I ask what it is that's getting you all sweaty again, Mr. Ratburn?"

The rat gave his young companion an answer that Arthur always dreaded. It was the way that adults got out of telling him anything relevant to an issue, or important to him. It was a phrase that confirmed his fears.

"Arthur...you'll understand when you get older..."

He had to bite back his groan of indignation as the cursed words fell from Ratburn's anxiously pursing lips. If he didn't respect his teacher so much, he probably would've socked him in the mouth for giving him that cop out. He would never learn anything at the rate the adults in his life kept telling him that!

Oh well, he now knew that Ratburn was hiding something pretty big if he wasn't venting whatever had made him so jittery. He'd see him at school the next day, and could maybe make some feasible excuses to visit him at his residence. Somehow, he'd gather what it was that troubled the tight-lipped tutor one way or another.

Ratburn took a much longer shower that night than he usually would have. Hot water cascaded onto his slouched, tired back, releasing some unknown tension in his muscles. He stared at the white tile of his shower wall, not registering it as he continued to dwell on that uncanny scene at the contest table, traces of nausea assaulting his churning stomach.

He casually performed his nightly shower routine, unable to forget the embarrassed look on Celestia's face as the two pulled away from each other, her lips and chin drenched in chocolate, her mouth set in a slack, puzzled scrunch. It was adorable...

As the thought crossed his mind, he was grateful when a lather of shampoo he had used slid down toward his eyes, temporarily mitigating the stray, partially unwanted musing.

"OW...That really stings!" he wiped at his eyes and rinsed them furiously to keep the offending substance from entering his eyeballs, "I'm usually so careful with things like this!"

The pain was good though, for it had taken him away from the reemerging reality of his feelings, even if for a moment. Then again, his carelessness in the shower was only making him more aware of those pangs of...something...

Further motivated to get his mind on other issues, he partook in the rest of his shower, devising some inventive ways to get his class excited about the new topic they would be touching on in school tomorrow, Astronomy. For him, at least, it was a fascinating subject, uncovering the mysteries of space, and the impressive-sounding statistics he could give them on how far away the planets were from Earth. If there was ever an important anomaly to study, it would have to be the grandeur and wonders of the universe.

Clean and dripping from head to toe, Ratburn stepped out onto the floor mat and grabbed a large towel that he had hung on the railing above his bathtub, wrapping himself in it to dry the globules of water running down his body. He hummed to himself at the possibilities for class projects, and the massive mountain of homework he would be able to impose on them, only to hear their satisfying groans of complaint. Hey, in all of his years of teaching, Ratburn had discovered that once a teacher stops pushing their students to be the best they could be, they weren't working hard enough at their job. He remembered the relieved cheers he was given as his sister, Ms. "I'm going to be a tougher teacher than you'll ever be!", had all but bored his students to tears. Even Buster had exaggerated that his IQ had gone down at least 20 points when she substituted for him that day.

Dry, relaxed, and motivated to start anew in the morning, Ratburn began throwing his pajamas on. He stopped himself after his bottoms were over his legs. His gaze had been caught by the rat staring back at him in the mirror. He did have some slight bags under his eyes, and a minor sunburn on his face after the long, sunny day, but those weren't what was troubling him so. The beady, black eyes that quizzically frowned at him had to be relaying a message of some kind. As he acknowledged his reflection, it taunted him knowingly, as if it were saying, "So...what are you going to do about Celestia?..."

Shifting backward only slightly, he was perturbed by the burrowing, self-loathing sneer his other seemed to be giving him. More importantly, his own face was curled up the same way, and he had not realized the change. Could he really keep himself from thinking about the kiss, how it moved him, and how much he found himself wanting to experience it again?

"...I need to get some sleep..."

Ratburn stubbornly tore his gaze from the mirror in front of him, putting on the rest of his white and red striped pajamas with a little more force and speed than was necessary. When he was done with that, and after brushing his teeth, keeping his attention focused on something other than the mirror, he casually flipped off the bathroom light, bathing himself in its darkness. He huffed one more time in a held breath and made his way to his comfortable bed, where he would sleep like a log for the next two years if his body let him.

Luckily, a torrential thunderstorm had made its presence known in Elwood City just a few minutes before Ratburn had to be up for school. He bolted upright out of bed as a huge thunderclap ripped through the dark grey, cloudy sky. It must have been right overhead because the house shook with the power of it. Such a harsh awakening had left the poor rat exhausted and yearning for thirty more precious minutes of slumber. Once he looked at his alarm clock next to the bed, he sighed. It was indeed time for him to get ready, and make his way out the door to get poured on by the heavily descending rainwater.

By the time he had made his way through another shower, his breakfast, and getting suited up, the rains had dramatically died down to a drizzle, something the tired teacher was thankful for. He locked the front door, for what reason he didn't really know. Elwood City was rather peaceful, surprisingly, and a robbery was a rare find. Still, he had some belongings that he might miss if they were to be confiscated by some rough-necked charlatan.

He made his way to his steel grey vehicle, the Honda of which the back seat had been the site of his many indulgences in his cake fetish. It wasn't the greatest ride in the world, but it was his, and it was affordable for the horribly low income he was allowed as an elementary school teacher. He was, in fact, still making payments on it, which also wasn't much of a shock given his monetary situation.

He jumped in after he opened the hatch, and slammed it shut so that the "door ajar" light wouldn't blare in his face like it sometimes did if he closed it too lightly. He was only slightly wet, thanks to the casual spray, and listened for a moment as the tiny drops peppered his windshield. He turned the key in the ignition and waited for oncoming traffic before veering out into the street for the short trip to Lakewood Elementary.

A rush of traffic was a typical greeting on sunnier days, and Ratburn was thankful that not very many people were out because of the decent rainfall they were getting a while ago. He used the lazy drive to think about the night before, his mind fresher after the substantial amount of sleep.

He had started coming to terms with the fact that the longer he tried to ignore his kiss with Celestia, and let the feelings bottle up inside him, the more earnest he would be to reach out to her again. He had a pointed history with the princess, one that twenty years of competitive spirit had given time to slowly cultivate. They were never anything other than enemies for their ICEC careers, but in some ways that was all just bells and whistles installed by the rabid fans that would worship the ground both battlers walked on.

Sure, to them, it was also a war, for their love of cake, and the pride associated with victory. However, Ratburn, at least, couldn't ever bring himself to truly HATE the sun goddess. Maybe at one point of his life he truly detested her, but as time went on, that annoyance had become more and more sparse, devolving into something akin to a desire to conquer, but not necessarily destroy. "For what?" would be the next question. Was it to conquer the ICEC? Was it to dominate all of his opponents for some hyper-masculine, tribal sense of superiority? Could it be to conquer...her...not just in competition, but to somehow leave an impression great enough to win her affection?

Ratburn almost beamed the car in front of him as they came to a red light, caught up in the momentary shock of possible epiphany. Unfortunately, that last thought wasn't out of the realm of feasibility. At every challenge, he reveled in her hard, sharp leers as he tore her love of cake apart by putting his on a pedestal. Hers was the face he would always search first for signs of acknowledgement of his triumphs, whether surprised gasps or stares of death. Her attention was worth more to him than the tons of bowing fools who would drool at the prospect of gaining his autograph. It sent tingles down his spine to have her feel anything because of him...and now he was starting to figure out why.

"Whoo...let's turn up the A/C for a minute..."

It didn't take too much longer after the red light for Ratburn to pull up into his designated parking spot, right up front in the parking lot where he wouldn't have to walk very far to the double doors of the school. Stepping out of his Honda, Ratburn basked in the light spritzes still leaking from the clouds above them, feeling rather warm after mulling over the implications of his thought train.

Children could be seen sprinting for the shelter of the school building, trying not to mess up their hairdos, clothes, or backpacks. Ratburn, however, took his sweet time in the rain. Once inside, he wouldn't have the cool droplets to extinguish the heated fancies rolling over in his mind.

As he opened the door to his classroom, fashionably late to intimidate the students or get their hopes up that he wouldn't be there, only to crush those hopes, he gave a cheerful, yet somehow hollow sounding, greeting.

"Good morning class!"

On cue, and poorly out of synchronization, the students groaned their disapproval, wishing he had just been sick today.

"Uuuuugh...good morning, Mr. Ratburn..."

He dropped his briefcase on the teacher's desk in front of him, making a pointed thud on the hard wood, and clicked the shiny, black contraption open.

"Have I got a wonderful day lined up for all of you! Today, we will be studying a mysterious, vast landscape, dotted with millions of tiny white lights, where natural forces collide to create all matter and life as we know it, the universe!"

The children were less than uninterested as they stared back, ready to take notes on anything and everything Ratburn uttered, which would no doubt be added to their exams. Their teacher subtly made a frown as his energetic opening statement was cast off like a dirty robe, but rifled through his case for a pencil to continue.

"Now then everyone, please get out your science textbooks and turn to page...oops," Ratburn's pencil had slipped from his grasp, making a clink on the waxed floor. A giggling hum escaped him at his momentary clumsiness as he bent down to pick up the writing utensil. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to gauge his ascent to his feet and hit his head on the protruding side of the table harshly. He didn't swear, miraculously, but yelped in pain nonetheless, stroking the throbbing area of his scalp.

"Psst..." Arthur was sitting in the second column to their left, in the second row, hissing to get Francine's attention on his right.

"What?" She leaned in to hear what he would whisper.

"...Doesn't Ratburn seem to be acting a little...goofy today?"

"When is he not "goofy", Arthur?"

Arthur shifted a little to get closer to her, hoping Ratburn wouldn't hear them talking.

"No, I mean, something's obviously distracting him. What do you think it is?"

Francine was getting a little annoyed at Arthur's need to be nosy about everything, as he got this way all of the time, but kept her voice level and quiet.

"How should I know? Maybe he's got something going on later today and just wants to get class over with."

His brow scrunched at Francine's dubious words.

"Ratburn would never want to have class end quicker. He practically lives here!"

"Arthur, please keep the chatter down, thank you!"

Ratburn didn't hear in on the conversation, but Arthur was visiting with Francine in the middle of his lecture, and that was something he would never tolerate in his classroom. Arthur apologized and slunk back down into the uncomfortable desk-chair, giving Ratburn his heavily divided attention.

An eloquently phrased, yet boring as all hell, ten-minute lecture proceeded the actual material, Ratburn throwing out some cheesy astronomy jokes to lighten the mood every so often. He would grumble under his breath slightly when the eyes and mouths of his class didn't partake in the humor, continuing on dryly.

At one point in the lecture, Binky, once again, had to take a short bathroom break, and by short, I mean he wanted out of this bogus lecture badly! He was famous with Ratburn for such breaks, and the rat would sternly warn him that if he took all day and lit another cherry bomb in the toilet again, he would be calling his parents and the police. Binky, as usual, would wave off such threats. It was an adventure, every time he went to the bathroom, because no one knew how long he would take, and worse, would he gas the school out with his posterior aroma or demolish another porcelain throne with an M-80 he smuggled into the building?

About five minutes later, Ratburn and the entire class were baffled that Binky had actually come back to his seat for once. Maybe his parents had been called one too many times, and had punished him or something. Whatever the case, it was an eerily pleasant turnout for the green-suited teacher. Binky shuffled back in just in time to start the actual astronomy lecture for the day.

Arthur had been trying to watch Ratburn and listen to his lectures to see what was still bothering him. He just looked like there was something on his mind that he couldn't articulate to his students, or himself for that matter. His eyes, while giving off an optimistic energy for this exciting topic, held a far-off stare, as if his mind wasn't on the subject at hand.

His musings were further solidified as the disengaged mentor, drawing a pseudo-map of their solar system starting with the sun, had started drawing off course, making something that looked more like a picture than the rings used to represent the trajectories of the planets.

"So it is plain to see then class," Ratburn was still orating normally enough, but the words must have been separated from his mental processes, "the sun, sitting at the center of our solar system, is a crucial celestial body to the life and health of every living thing on Earth."

Being pushed up against the chalkboard, clicking away feverishly at the black screen, Ratburn was certain that every detail of his solar system had been perfect. However, Prunella had spoke up after he had stopped. Why did all the noise from movement and whispering students stop all of a sudden?

"...Um...Mr. Ratburn?..."

"Yes Prunella, did you have a question?" Ratburn rotated around to address his curious pupil.

"...What are you drawing right now?"

Ratburn's brow furrowed, puzzled by the question that, had he drawn everything right, should've been obvious.

"Why Prunella, as I was going over, this is a picture of the solar system," he slowly turned in place in front of his teacher's desk, "and the planets that rotate arou...GHAAHAA!"

With a more distanced perspective of his masterpiece, Ratburn almost saw the end of the world, and his life flashing before his eyes. He flew back at least a foot or two, beholding the fruits of his subconscious thoughts.

"EH HEH HEH HEH!" Binky started laughing exaggeratedly at the picture Ratburn drew, "What is that Mr. Ratburn? It looks like some kind of POOOOOONY!"

As the troublemaker pounded his fist on his desk, screaming with immature mirth, the other kids in their seats had mixed reactions.

"What the...?"

"Will this be on the test?"

"That's actually a really good sketch, he's quite the artist!"

No one was more aware of the implications here than Arthur Read. The picture Ratburn had drawn was undeniable, and so exquisitely detailed that there was no doubt who that pony was...

He had drawn Princess Celestia! As an added bonus, the sun was exactly where her cutie mark should've been.

"Oh goodness..." Ratburn mumbled to himself with panic, "...what...how did I...I'm never going to live this down..." He hoisted himself back up from his dumbfounded sitting position in order to erase the incriminating chalk-work hurriedly. Once done, he cleared his throat in embarrassment, hoping that no one would remember that screw up. Then again, no one here even knew about the princess, and therefore he would just have to go on pretending to his students that this scene was simply the product of lack of sleep and intense preparation.

"I knew it," Arthur clicked his fingers together under his seat to avoid a suspicious glare from the frazzled instructor, "It DOES have something to do with that Princess Celestia pony!"

The rest of the day had been highly uneventful. Ratburn went over a myriad of other subjects just as boring as the astronomy lecture, though with just as much spirit and, unfortunately, tons of homework due the next class period. Arthur stepped out of the school's double doors as excited to be out of there as his other classmates were. He spotted Buster and Francine on his way out, giving them a hand up and a shout to get their attention.

"Hey Buster, Francine! You guys headed home?"

Buster put his head down and sighed a little, "Yeah, I've gotta go to the PTA meeting with my mom later in the evening, and she wants me there to help with some chores."

"Yep," Francine nonchalantly replied, "me and my dad are going to the batting cages today."

"Oh," Arthur looked pretty disappointed, "I've got a free schedule today, but I guess I can find something else to do."

The three friends made their way down the concrete path. A comfortable silence fell between them for a moment before Arthur made an observation.

"So, you guys saw what I saw back in class today, right? Ratburn drew that...Princess Celestia pony! Doesn't that make you suspicious?"

Buster's hand went to his chin as he tossed the situation around in his head, "Hmm...maybe he's exhausted from the competition and is still angry about the judges' decision."

Arthur wasn't completely convinced about that. Ratburn seemed to take the ruling pretty well after the fallout in the stands was abated, though it could've been because he was tired...

"I think Ratburn just has a one track mind about everything, especially that ICEC, and is probably planning his tactics for next year already." Francine reasoned, looking pensively up into the sky.

Oh, Arthur didn't doubt that the rat had a one track mind, however, he didn't think it was just because of the challenge. His handiwork was so finely detailed that he must've been thinking about her a lot more than just once since last night.

"Look guys," Arthur motioned to his two friends to listen to him, "I talked with Ratburn a little bit last night, and he kept looking behind himself, where that princess was sitting, every few seconds! You remember that they were kissing up on stage, right? Well, I think it somehow affected him more than we think."

Buster and Francine shared a stunned look, only to bust out giggling. Francine patted Arthur on the shoulder.

"Oh Arthur, Ratburn's a...well...rat, and that princess is a pony! They aren't even of the same species! Have you been watching too much of that "Space Track" series again?"

The aardvark wasn't too happy that the two were shrugging this whole thing off. "I'm serious guys! You saw how weird he was acting in class! There has to be something more to this!"

As with most of Arthur's paranoid claims, Buster and Francine just reasoned everything off and told the jittery boy to loosen up and not think about it so much. The trip to their houses became quiet again, and Arthur was still a little tense, but his friends seemed to have just cast the thoughts aside.

"Well, see you tomorrow guys, here's my stop." Francine waved to the the rabbit and pondering aardvark, who reciprocated the gesture.

The two kept on walking until Buster's house came up.

"See ya at school tomorrow, Arthur!"

"Yeah...later..."

He tried to give his bubbly friend a nice goodbye, but the events from last night and today just kept rewinding and playing again in his head. Ratburn kissing Celestia, and then the soulful looks in her direction, and the distant gazes in class; the picture...

Arthur approached his own house on the lonely journey, determination crossing his features as he walked up to the front door.

"I've gotta keep a sharp eye on Ratburn. He's trying to hide these...feelings, but he's not doing a very good job, and I'm going to get to the bottom of this, once and for all."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N - Mostly Celestia's reactions and that kind of thing. A little rushed, but didn't want to drag on too much, and is probably about as long as Ratburn got for his "reflecting" moments.

Twilight was having similar problems reaching out to her own mentor. Even after the quick teleport back to the castle the princess had utilized to transport all three of the young mares, including herself, and the walk through the regal, yet slightly dusty, halls within, Celestia just didn't want to budge an inch on what was bothering her. Even while Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were excitedly clamoring about the way Ratburn and Celestia had torn through the last monumental cake, and the equally adrenaline-inducing riot that had broken out, the princess could only give them weary smiles and attempt to mirror their glee with two or three-word replies.

"I liked the part where those creatures in the blue uniforms took out those long, black things and beat those rowdy idiots senseless!" Dash stopped right in front of Pinkie while they cantered along the marble floors of the palace, putting up her front hooves like she was going to pretend box with the pink pony. Pinkie just laughed along with her at the mimicking, stepping around the blue mare that was still so full of energy.

"Well I really liked the part," the party girl pitched in, "where they brought in that huge cake that was made from blueberry muffin batter! Mmm mmm...I would've devoured that thing in a nanosecond! Reminds me so much of Sugarcube Corner, and all of its muffins, back home!"

Celestia turned to the trio, another half-attentive grin plastered awkwardly on her face. "That's wonderful, Pinkie Pie, I'm glad you liked it so much..."

Twilight was kind of lagging behind at the moment. She could tell just by the way Celestia walked that she was less than engaged in the effervescent ramblings of her trusted subjects. Most of the violet mare's own concentration was focused on putting the pieces of the night together like an incomplete puzzle. Her thoughts were interrupted when Rainbow Dash flew up to her, making her cringe back just a little at the abrupt movement.

"So Twilight, what part was your most favorite of the contest?"

Her wide, gleaming irises could be seen from halfway across Equestria, and Twilight was a little intimidated by them. Pinkie listened in, poking her head next to Dash's. What the heck would Twilight say? She supposed that the myriad of mythical, monstrous creatures would have been the highlight for her. There were at least two or three novels worth of notes, scribblings, and findings resting inside of her weighty saddlebags.

"I...well...my favorite part of the ICEC was..." she stopped mid-sentence. She knew that was what she wanted to tell them, but being as quick on her hooves as always spotted a grand opportunity to gauge a few reactions at the startling scene that not only hushed, but thoroughly grossed out the crowd of fans, including all of them. Even more convenient, Princess Celestia must have been wondering why no answers had been produced to the question yet, and she looked back at her star student with a curious gaze.

"...where..." she spit the statement out as fast, but naturally, as she could, "Princess Celestia and Mr. Ratburn accidentally kissed in front of everypony!"

Twilight recoiled slightly under what she could almost construe as a glare from the white alicorn. Before Celestia could hide her face, turning and proceeding through the hallways, the unicorn noted how it turned a healthy shade of pink. Actually, it was more like red...and she was glowing like a lighted ornament for Hearth's Warming Eve. Once Twilight thawed, frozen in place from that ice cold glance she had never seen the princess give her before, it was clear to her now that whatever she was thinking about did have to do with her and that Mr. Ratburn fellow.

Luckily, for both of the magically inclined mares in the hall, Dash and Pinkie chortled the whole experience off. They may have been laughing a little more than Celestia was comfortable with, since she didn't really find it all that amusing, but it looked like the secret was safe with them, if they even cared enough to call it so.

"Yeah," Rainbow was near hiccups, "it looked like they were trying to eat each others' faces off!"

The joke set the two giggling ponies off further, the merriment increasing much to the sun goddess' embarrassment. Pinkie wiped a tear from her eye, the very thought of Ratburn and the sun goddess eating through one another was hilarious.

"Oh come on Dashie," she was able to chide between spasms, "I thought it was kind of fitting for the two. With how much they both love cake, they'd make the perfect couple!"

While Rainbow Dash took the declaration less than seriously, guffawing at the incredible notion, Celestia and Twilight, though mostly Celestia, recoiled with inaudible "urk" sounds that left them both a little disheveled. For Twilight, it just fit way too perfectly in the little logic problem she was deducing. The white mare kept on trucking toward her room, almost tempted to pick up into a dead sprint but walked along inconspicuously as if the two fillies weren't even in the halls with her.

"Whatever Pinkie," Dash chimed back in humored, "it was so gross! It probably wouldn't work out, you know, since the princess is a pony and that Ratburn guy was...well...a rat for crying out loud. Nope, couldn't work."

Of all the trips down these hallways Twilight had ever taken, this one had to be the longest, most awkward trek of her life. She knew the princess pretty well, almost like the bottom of her hoof, and she could tell that the hairs of Celestia's coat were starting to bristle a tiny bit in unspoken annoyance at the turn the joke had made.

"Come on, girls," Twilight tried to calm her friends, but became rather tense herself at what Celestia might do if they didn't be quiet, "how about we talk about something else for a while, okay?"

The pegasus and earth pony made a face between calling Twilight a party pooper and confused concern.

"Geez Twilight, we were just having a little fun, what did we say?" Dash was befuddled by Twilight's look of apprehension.

The unicorn took the two ponies aside, making sure they were hopefully out of earshot from Celestia, if that was even possible. She turned one last time toward the sun mare as she kept the pace to her quarters, then turned back to the rowdy bunch, whispering through her teeth.

"I think something really happened between that Mr. Ratburn and the princess."

"What are you saying Twilight?" Dash interjected, whispering after Twilight shushed her, "Are you trying to tell us that...the princess liked that freaky kiss?"

Twilight shrugged at the question. She really didn't know, but that was the vibe she had been getting from Celestia since a little while ago.

"I'm not sure, maybe. All I know is that she kept on looking back at him, or where he was before, after he left, and wouldn't look me in the eye when I asked her about him."

"You see Dash?" Pinkie Pie cut in abruptly, eliciting another harsh "shhhhh" from both ponies, "I told you it was cute! With how long they've been competing in that tournament, they were practically made for each other!"

"Pinkie, didn't you hear me before," Dash let out an exasperated sigh, a little louder than the previous whispering, "she's a pony, he's a rat...that walks on two legs...it just doesn't seem like the ideal coupling, if you catch my drift."

"Girls, GIRLS, keep it down..." Twilight pointed toward Celestia's direction, reminding them of the trouble they'd be in if she heard them.

"Well it doesn't," Dash whispered somewhat apologetically. Pinkie just stood by patiently, waiting for Twilight since she was about to say something to them.

"Listen," the violet pony muttered even with the fair distance between them and the princess now, "why don't you guys go back to the room and I'll try to talk with Princess Celestia about this?"

Rainbow Dash blew some stray hairs out of her face, "Okay Twilight, but I'm telling you, I don't think it's an issue. I'm getting kind of tired from all of the action today anyway."

Dash made a huge yawn as she spoke, ready for some much needed "R and R". Following the blue pegasus, Pinkie made a sizable indication of her need for sleep as well.

"Yeah, this was a really fun fun fun day! We'll see you when you get back if we aren't asleep, Twilight."

The studious unicorn gave her two companions a grateful nod and grinned subtly, giving the two a goodnight hug in appreciation. She had to stifle her own yawn to focus on staying awake for the inevitably hard talk with the princess.

"Thanks you guys, goodnight!"

"Yeah, later," Rainbow Dash casually scampered off to the luxurious guest suite the princess had allowed them to stay in for a few days. Pinkie Pie hopped tiredly alongside her, anticipating a restful night's sleep on the soft, cloud-like bedding their room contained, three individual beds for each of them, lined up in a perfect little row.

Twilight watched the duo as they playfully gave a last burst of energy racing toward the doorway. Rainbow Dash nudged Pinkie aside to gain the upper hand and glide into the room with a triumphant hoof in the air signaling her victory.

"No fair, Dash, that was cheating!" the pink mare only partially cared at the moment while she giggled at the sight of her quietly cheering friend.

"...and the winner is RAINBOW DASH!" she made some mock, hushed screams as the crowd inside her head went wild for the fastest pony in Equestria.

The violet bookpony chuckled at the display, watching until Pinkie closed the door behind her. Once the hallowed halls took to their usual silence once again, Twilight huffed a few breaths in and out, bracing her courage.

"Come on Twilight, what's the worst that could happen anyway?"

Intent on getting some much needed answers and helping Celestia if there was anything she could possibly do, Twilight started gingerly trotting through the night-shrouded palace, not wanting to disturb any sleepers. The princess' opulent chambers were not but 20 meters from her current position, so a light stroll was all it took to find herself situated in front of the massive, yet surprisingly accessible, double doors.

Taking one more moment to arrange the burning questions in her mind, she tentatively raised a hoof to the rich, solid oak, a hollow thud resonating throughout the portals. Before the sun princess could query as to who would disturb her at this hour of the night, Twilight took it upon herself to put that thought to rest.

"Princess Celestia? It's Twilight," she had to raise her voice a little, knowing the space inside was rather large, and a whisper may not have registered at all, "could I come in and talk about a few things with you?"

It seemed that a considerable amount of time had passed before Celestia gave her pupil a begrudging affirmation to enter.

"...Of course Twilight, don't be shy..."

To the unicorn, it sounded like she was thinking intensely about some matter or another, and also that she wasn't in the greatest of moods to entertain company tonight. As much as Twilight would rather let her teacher rest, relax, and enjoy the remainder of her night off, she carefully opened a giant door blocking her way, subconsciously giving the princess a few more moments of peace before entering her private sanctuary.

Setting eyes upon Celestia, Twilight noted that the princess did indeed seem ready for bed. Her royal sandals, crown, and necklace had been cast off onto her nightstand next to the great four-poster mattress, in a most haphazard fashion the young mage observed with a tiny bolt of humor. Instead of in their usual holders the gold set pieces simply lay scattered.

The white pony in question was already tucked into her sheets, her mane falling at her side, staring intently at her subject as she made her way closer to her. As the younger mare had initially feared, the look in Celestia's eyes was of the weary, scatter-brained variety that was a definite sign of heavy reflection. Twilight decided to start with something a little less direct.

"Oh boy, that was quite the inter-dimensional competition, wasn't it? How is your stomach feeling after all of those cakes, Princess?"

The regal alicorn put an unshod hoof to her muzzle, making a dainty hum of amusement at Twilight's ice-breaker.

"I don't think I'll be eating anything for days after all of that! I'm still feeling some ill side effects."

Twilight mirrored the princess with a shared, somewhat mechanical, laugh as she worked up to the point she wanted to discuss. It was difficult, knowing that she probably didn't want to talk about what had happened, but it had to be brought out. She went up to the bedside even closer to the sleepy co-ruler and forced herself to ask those questions.

"So...um..."

Great, just what she needed... She knew exactly how to word it, but the negative reaction she would probably receive made her think twice.

"Yes, my faithful student?"

A knot formed in Celestia's stomach, and not just from the tons upon tons of dessert still digesting inside of her. With the way Twilight was acting, she could deduce pretty easily what the topic was about to turn to. Something she was still trying to figure out herself. Her more cheery face fell unintentionally.

"...about that...incident that occurred between you and Mr. Ratburn..."

Here it was, the moment of truth. What would the princess have to say to this? There was no way Twilight would let her avoid it now, especially as it seemed to cause such turmoil in the typically so calm and collected mare. Even as she wondered, the princess' gaze was shifting around the room every ten seconds and she fidgeted with her hooves, rubbing them back and forth over one another.

"Oh, that...well you see Twilight," she gulped a little, trying to find a way out of the conversation, "I thought we already discussed that at the event. It was just an accident, and Ratburn simply came up to me at the conclusion to shake my hoof and congratulate me, as I did for him."

She made a nervous half smile, insincerity dripping from her mannerisms just as the sweat beaded on her forehead.

"Good sportsponyship, yes, that's what it was!"

Twilight's eyes widened at the show her mentor was demonstrating in order to avoid the situation. She respectfully refrained from making a face-hoof gesture to her superior, although she certainly felt like doing it over and over. Instead, she opted for a more restrained approach.

"It's alright, Princess. I know it's weird to talk about this kind of thing with your student and all, but I'd like to try to help you out if I can."

Immediately, Celestia shook her head from side to side, eager to end this before it got worse.

"Oh, but Twilight, there's nothing to "help me out" with right now. It's just as I told you, nothing unusual happened tonight, and I'm just looking to get a restful night's slumber before my meeting with the vice headmaster of The Canterlot School for Gifted Unicorns tomorrow."

The purple pony decided that the subtle, friendly approach wasn't quite getting through to the mare in front of her, no matter how much she seemed to be cracking. Celestia was like a sturdy wine glass. As Twilight dropped more and more weight on her, the princess' resolve was being chipped away, but not completely shattering and giving up the goods. Of course, that only left her to stepping out of her comfort zone and being more frank in an attempt to find the real answers within. The intrepid librarian went over to the royal jewelry, finding it much safer to behold than Celestia's conflicted face as she carefully nudged her with her next statement.

"Princess...I think it's perfectly within reason to be...close to somepony you've known for a long time, even if that somepony just happens to be of a different species..."

She only briefly turned back to the white alicorn in her bed, and undoubtedly regretted the motion. Celestia's stare didn't have the same sharpness as the one out in the hallway, but that almost made it worse, as a barely readable frown bore into Twilight's own purple eyes, starting to shy away under the pressure. Who knew what she'd say to her now...

"...I know where you're going with this, Twilight, and I would advise you to drop it..."

HOLY CRAP! For the first time in her life, the young unicorn had hit upon a pretty sore subject for the princess. A thinly veiled threat wasn't at all expected from Celestia, and Twilight could feel her knees shaking slightly at the coarse cast off. However, she couldn't be timid, if Celestia never let these feelings out, it wouldn't be good for her health, or worse, she could miss out on a great opportunity to cultivate a relationship past polite indifference or detached friendship.

She didn't focus too highly on what Ratburn had been doing the entire time, but when those two kissed, she could see his face was just as bewildered and excited as the princess' was. Obviously, the feelings were at least basically mutual. The princess leaned back into her comfy bed, choosing to face the opposite direction of her star student, a slight scowl still gracing her features.

"Please Princess Celestia, hear me out on this. I saw Mr. Ratburn's reaction too, and I can assure you that..."

"GOOD NIGHT, MY FAITHFUL STUDENT!"

Although she didn't yell it, the commanding declaration was less of a social impulse and more of a "Leave my chambers at once!" order. Twilight trotted slowly and shakily over to the other side of the mattress, earning a small "hmmph" and a roll over to the princess' other side.

"...that he's definitely interested! With all due respect, Princess, your own feelings on the matter are so obvious that I thought Rainbow Dash would say something about them, RAINBOW DASH! She's got to be one of the most romantically handicapped ponies I know!"

This whole one-sided conversation may have been comical if Twilight wasn't so afraid of further backlash. As she ran to the other side of the bed, Celestia would turn back over. They had continued this a few times before the princess finally gave up and sighed angrily.

"Rainbow Dash may have been more understanding of the situation by far, Twilight! We aren't even from the same dimension, let alone the same species. It probably wouldn't "work out", as she succinctly put."

Was that a hearty sigh that escaped the princess' lips, as if she were disappointed by the blue pegasus' opinion? Now we were starting to get somewhere!

"Aha, so you DO agree that there was something there between you two!"

Flustered by her own apparent slip-up, Celestia fumbled for a coherent response.

"Wait, no, that's not what I meant, Twilight! We are rivals at worst and friends at best, and I use the term "friend" quite loosely. We only see each other a few times a year for different cake-related events and the ICEC. How could we possibly know each other well enough to think about a romantic relationship?"

Twilight was happy that her mentor was starting to open up about the topic a little inadvertently. She tried to think of a concrete example of something to refute that argument. She did the best she could with some past experiences, even if they weren't her own.

"I've seen Rarity go out with stallions for far worse reasons than that, Princess! Remember how she tried to woo Prince Blueblood, only because of his looks and station in life, and it got thrown back in her face? Knowing somepony, even just as well as you know Mr. Ratburn, is already a much more sufficient rationale to me. What's more, you both love cake, that's something in common!"

Well, it was true. They both REALLY did like cake, obsessed with it, was more accurate. The princess still wasn't extremely comfortable talking about this, but the things Twilight was telling her were definitely not ridiculous by any stretch of the imagination. Then again, they were things she had already passively considered in her own thoughts, and that didn't make the misgivings go away.

"You know how busy I am, Twilight, as I'm also aware of Ratburn's own busy schedule, what with being a school teacher, a tutor, and having all of those community gatherings. Ratburn wouldn't even be able to visit me here, as he cannot use magic to teleport. Supposing I could teleport to Elwood City, I'm still far too loaded down with running this country. Logic and logistics are highly against Ratburn and I having any sort of personal dealings of that magnitude."

The unicorn felt bad for her mentor. She tries so hard to mask her pain and desires by putting everypony else first, not wanting to take a chance for fear of everything falling apart in her absence. She really needed to quit worrying about what everyone else would think, and just give herself this one thing that may not come again for a very long time. After clearing her throat, she became even more direct in her line of questioning.

"...Princess...do you...like Mr. Ratburn?..."

Sometimes, the most obvious answers are born from complete silence, which was enshrouding the bedroom as Celestia made no efforts to reply to her student's inquiry. Ironically, this was really all that Twilight had needed to hear tonight, just something that showed some honesty in how the princess actually felt. Good thing too, because this seemed to be the point where the sun mare refused to give up any more information, a drained, hardened flat-line replacing her mouth and eyes that would tolerate no further prodding.

"Well...," the violet pony turned around slowly to make sure Celestia was truly done, "I guess I'll just leave it at this then, Princess Celestia. Thank you for talking with me, good night."

As she carefully exited the room, the princess muttered a similarly quiet "good night, Twilight" as well.

Alone in her chambers now, the princess' breathing steadied and she felt more comfortable now that her interrogator had left. She knew Twilight was just concerned for her well-being, but she could be a wee bit nosy when she wanted. The entire day had been incredibly taxing on her, and if she had more energy she might ponder on Twilight's thoughts, as well as her own, but the only thing she could concentrate on was getting to sleep. Her heavy eyelids closed themselves as she drifted off into a dream-filled reverie.

The next morning, Celestia had awoken to raise the sun into the sky and start to get ready for the meeting with her vice headmaster, herself as the headmistress, of course. There were multiple things to discuss today, none of which Celestia could rightly keep her focus on. The talk the night before, piling on the kiss that would no doubt be plastered all over the news in a few days, just wouldn't quit repeating themselves.

Celestia was, like any other ruler, full of grace, proud of her ponies, and most of all, in control, always in control. The entire country depended on her unshakable resolve in diplomatic missions and expected her to always be available with the best answers, being one of the pillars that held the temple in its place, along with her younger sister, Princess Luna. As the elder of the two, she was held even more responsible and accountable for the welfare of her subjects, a daunting task that she had taken to naturally, but not without struggle, nor without blood and tears.

So then why in the name of Equestria did she feel so out of control when it came to something as silly as the possibility that...she had some sort of...feelings for Nigel Ratburn?

As she readied the gold jewelry, crown, and slippers, using her magic to drape and attach them to her body, that question haunted her mercilessly. In her long life, she had been in the presence of some of the most gorgeous, chivalrous, and kind stallions in all the land. Being a princess and...well let's not mince words here, a ponified standard of beauty for mares throughout Equestria, many of said stallions sought her affection. Taking similar interest with them, Celestia would go through many courting rituals, some more successful than others. In short, it wasn't like she hadn't already known how to tell a male how she felt, or when she knew that she really liked one or not. Sure, it had been a long time, but she was by no means a green-horn.

The typically green clad teacher was, however, quite unique from most she had ever had some sort of closer relationship with. In the beginning, his first year at the ICEC, he was the biggest stick-in-the-mud she had ever met. He was just getting ready to graduate from the "college" he had attended in a few years, and he was no less of a cake fanatic than he is today. Just by the way he always tried to cleverly insult the people he thought were of lower intelligence, or sneer at the other competitors who wanted to show good sportsmanship to him, she knew that they wouldn't get along.

She tried to though, oh heavens how she tried, everything from good-will gestures to outright praise of his remarkable cake-eating talents. Nothing really seemed to work, as her efforts only seemed to incense the rat further, making him more irate. Eventually, after two or three years of this, she just gave up on him ever changing, and ended up joining him in the quarrels and banter that would make the crowd go wild with spirit.

Maybe it was leaving that college of his. Maybe it was the fact that he became responsible for molding the young minds in his care when he secured his position as a teacher at Lakewood Elementary. Maybe it was simply the humbling reality of life experience. Somehow, the snooty, juvenile Nigel had transformed into the slightly repressed, but substantially more respectful Mr. Nigel Ratburn. Granted, his view of her hadn't changed much, as he still fought with every fiber of his being to thoroughly humiliate her by securing the Grand Championship for himself, but the rat she had known in his first few years at the contest had grown up, a lot.

She couldn't really attest to any sort of physical attractiveness, another oddity that set him apart from the herd, as they were of different species and worlds after all. Though, sometimes looks could be overridden by other factors. In his case, those factors were his devotion to his passions, whether cake or teaching, and his iron determination in the face of adversity, as with the ICEC. She also found it kind of...charming that he was pointedly shy around other women, and almost more charming that he WASN'T shy around her. There were many things that Celestia liked about him that made the rat who he is today, and in some miniscule ways they all counted for something.

A knock at the door tore her out of her day dreams.

"Princess Celestia, it is time for your appointment with the vice headmaster."

It must've been a guard pony, the gruff voice and hard knock a good indication.

"Oh yes, I will be out in one moment, dear sir," she chimed, hoping the guard could hear her well enough through the solid door.

With only another minute or so to spare, Celestia quickly put a brush through her mane, making sure that no stray hairs were floating somewhere they shouldn't have been.

The more she thought about Ratburn, the more she came to terms with the fact that there may indeed be something to this that she didn't realize before. It was still a little bit odd, but being open about it to herself, and not trying to justify every conceivable reason not to consider it was helping her see everything in a whole new light. Maybe she really did have some sort of...fondness for the intense competitor...

She inched open the door to her chambers, allowing the guard to slide out of the way if he needed.

"Terribly sorry for the wait! Let us be off to the meeting room."

"Yes, Your Majesty."

She closed the door quietly and followed her escort into the hallway. It was time for yet another meeting that would, no doubt, bore her senseless, but these things had to be done. Meanwhile, she wondered what Ratburn might be doing right at the exact same moment, probably getting ready for the class he would be teaching today. She shook the thought from her mind as she noticed that the guard was quite a few yards in front of her and she wasn't moving. She regained her focus and trailed after the guard pony, just a bit more ready for the long day ahead of her now that she had sorted out some of the issues from her previous night.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N - Started writing on this story again. One thing lead to another, and now I have two, pretty soon three, chapters complete. They're shorter than the rest, but will hopefully be entertaining.

* * *

A swirling pinwheel of cosmic, multi-hued darkness rotated very slowly in a one-foot diameter about four feet from the rocky, onyx ground. A vast, open landscape of black hills and mountains surrounded the ever-growing, faster spinning, eight-pronged discus, covered, in some patchy areas, with rich bluegrass and flowers. Laid out before the energetic mass was a dusty stone road, a shade of sepia, stretching for what seemed like miles, hugging the curves of the elevated terrain and winding through a narrow pass to a far-off rickety bridge, about to collapse under its own weight.

The tranquil flow of wind as it passed over the medium-length grass was all that could be discerned in the deathly silent mountains, not even the cawing of crows or the calls of wild beasts audible. Other than the perfectly blue mid-morning sky above and the ebony earth below, one would almost assume that nothing existed here.

Groaning, grumbling power currents caused the spacial distortion twirling in mid-air to expand further still, now rapidly oscillating and rotating, energy brewing inside the void like a lightning storm. It started to take on a white shine as whatever it was getting ready for was about to take place.

All of a sudden, a great, squishy sound emanated from it as the prone form of Arthur Read, covered in some sort of clear, filmy space plasma, rocketed out of the portal with enough force to crack his skull. Luckily, the plasma acted as a cushion for his descent, like rubber, as he bounced off the stony path some ten feet in the air, making an arch as he rapidly ascended, letting gravity do the rest of the work as he make an unceremonious crash landing into a bed of bluegrass tufts face first.

Once his stop had been confirmed, the protective layer surrounding his unmoving body began to recede and evaporate, knowing it had served its purpose, relinquishing its hold on Arthur's ability to move.

The aardvark began to regain control of his nerves, and thus his mobility in his arms, legs, and eventually everything else, other than the uncontrollable shakes he had in his body now that the ride was over. His teeth chattered and limbs vibrated with retroactive terror, wrapping around him in a hug, taking up the fetal position.

"W...w...w...w...w...WHAT THE HECK WAS ALL OF THAT?" he frightfully screamed, unbelieving that he had just been tossed into the blackness of space not but a few mind-destroying minutes ago.

"Hey...you're the one who wanted to cross dimensions. You didn't think it was going to be as easy as all that now, did you?"

Arthur frantically thrashed side to side to find the owner of the male-sounding voice, "Who are you? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?"

"Relax, relax, I'm right here..." the voice tried to console the boy so that he wouldn't have some kind of aneurysm.

Little, square-inch pieces of the onyx floor started to flip around in front of Arthur's eyes, over and over again. He could just make out the bottoms of something that looked like white dress shoes as, even more incredibly, pieces of the air-space over them started to flip around as well. This caused more above those to start their rotations until they reached about five and a half to six feet in the air, where a mischievous grin was plastered over a few of them. As he identified legs, then a torso and arms, and eventually a head the exact shape of Arthur's, an aardvark's, his jaw dropped in disbelief.

Standing before him was an aardvark who looked similar to him, but adult-sized with an all-white tuxedo, down to the tie, top hat, and shoes. He also had a scalp full of somewhat scraggly brown hair that flowed out from the brim of said hat. His facial expression toward Arthur was one of friendliness, but hid a sly, knowing glint of some kind.

"...and who might YOU be, sir?"

The man chortled at the boy's curiosity, this obviously must have been his first time doing this kind of thing. With a tip of his hat in informal greeting, he gave an honest, yet probably unhelpful, answer to Arthur.

"Who am I? That really is not important right now, my good traveler. Most people simply address me as the...tour guide, someone who makes sure that hot-headed, space-jumping explorers such as yourself don't get themselves killed attempting to cross the inter-dimensional borders of different worlds."

Arthur's eyeballs bugged out of his sockets as the other aardvark floated over to him effortlessly, lending a hand to pick the elementary schooler up off of the solid floor. Arthur tentatively grabbed the others hand, glad that he was being gently pulled up for a change, instead of knocked around the universe like some kind of pinball.

"Thanks...um...could I ask you something else?"

The man cryptically nodded.

"...Even though we're in some other dimension right now, you're an aardvark...how is that?"

It was a simple question for the odd, sharply dressed guide.

"Heh, oh Arthur, I change my appearance depending on the...sensibilities of the being I assist. My true form is actually quite a bit different from this one. Would you care to take a quick peek?"

Arthur's curiosity at that statement burned brightly, but the suggestive eye-brow raise the strange man gave him convinced him to just let that be a mystery.

"Mmm...I'll pass for now, thanks."

"Oh, such a pity," the white-suited aardvark smirked with half-lidded eyes, "it's quite entertaining to watch my charges' skin jump from their bones..."

A bead of sweat went down Arthur's neck as he gulped a bit.

"Now then," the guide patted Arthur on the back, getting down to some more important matters, "I suppose as your counselor here, I should give you the run-down of what your objective is, but first, why don't you tell me a little about why you're here today. It isn't every day that someone wants to torture themselves trying to get into another world. What is your motive?"

That's right, the disheveled kid had nearly forgotten the whole reason he was here after the traumatic universal jump to this connecting plane between Elwood City's world and Equestria's.

"Well, I'm trying to get to Equestria because I have this teacher in Elwood City, Mr. Ratburn..."

"(GASP) You don't mean, THE Nigel Ratburn," the guide started to gush, "the famous Inter-dimensional Cake Eating Challenge participant who has won 10 grand championships his last 21 years!"

"Yeah...heh heh," Arthur was taken aback by his excitement, but the man cleared his throat and let the boy continue with his story, "Mr. Ratburn and Princess Celestia of Equestria had been rivals in that contest for as long as he's been in it. Now, I think Mr. Ratburn is starting to have...feelings for her. So, I've decided to get some help with this in any way that I can, and at this point I'm thinking that Equestria is the only place I will find it."

With that piece of information, the tour guide slammed his hand over where his heart would be, taking a deep, quivering sigh as his eyes closed in fond sympathy.

"Ahhhh, an inter-dimensional romance! It does this man good to hear a reason for sacrifice that is so noble, so touching!"

"Mmm hmm..." Arthur slowly drew out as he rolled his eyes at the tom-foolery.

"Anyway," he straightened back up instantly, putting his hand back down to his side, allowing the seriousness of the situation to ebb through his every word, "with every tourist who passes through this hellish landscape, I obligate myself to ask you to turn back and make Nigel deal with his love problems in a different way."

Arthur stood his ground, noticing the change in demeanor on the other aardvark's stoic expression, "...Why's that? This place is deserted. It can't be that much of a problem."

"My boy," he gestured out onto the trail of stone, all the way to the bridge, and over that into Arthur's destination, "looks can be deceiving. There will be plenty of physical challenge, no doubt about that, but this task you are about to undertake has many more psychological repercussions than you might be able to see right now."

Arthur was lead to the top of a hill in front of them, where he could get a better view of the mountainous cliffs on his way, "To you, this only looks like a quaint little trail, something you'd find at one of your "national parks" probably, but every step you take on it will be earned, not given. I can only usher you so much, after that it will be on YOUR head to stay alive and...sane. As it is, I wish I could show you what you're up against, but it's different for every being, and completely erratic. The only solid objective you are given is to stick to the path under your feet, where it will take you all the way to the bridge over there, and beyond lies another portal of which you can take to find the other world that awaits your arrival."

The tall guide bent down to Arthur's eye-level, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, "The next word you say to me will make this official. After that, you either must go on, or go home. Are you prepared, Arthur Read, to risk your life and/or your sanity to cross into the next world and pursue your goals?"

The decision was instant. There was no way Arthur was going to turn back now, not after everything he had already been through in order to get here, not to mention the reason he started this journey in the first place.

"Yes, I'm ready..."

The menacing, blank look on the guide's face was unreadable.

"You, my young friend, are in for the fight of your life..."

With his last words, Arthur noticed how his arms started to singe and fade away. The rest of his suit-clad body followed close behind, leaving the bespectacled youngster to watch as he completely evaporated into oblivion.

"I will keep watch from afar, and you may ask me any questions about where you need to go. However, I cannot give you physical assistance, or save you if something attacks. That would be against the order of the universe. By your own strength of mind and body alone will you be considered worthy to continue. Good luck, you foolish boy."

After the last echos of his voice left Arthur's hearing range, the spacious outdoors became uncomfortably quiet yet again. Nothing really seemed out of the ordinary, which was surprising. Wasn't this where the ordeal started?

"He must've been bluffing..." Arthur thought to himself.

"Oh..." the same voice rang through the area, "I am NOT bluffing. Go ahead, Arthur, take your first step over that patch of grass, and see what I mean..."

Arthur surreptitiously made his way over to where the man was leading him, a tiny area of fresh bluegrass right down the slope of the trail, some invisible barrier the guide had dared him to cross. He put his foot over that line with determined intent.

Nothing...

"Phew...I don't know what you were talking abo..."

That's odd, the sky was starting to bleed into a dark blue, then to the onyx black of the ground while the hills and mountains bled the opposite, from black to light blue. Arthur could swear that his mind was playing tricks on him. He stumbled back a little as the stone began to take on a green hue, the grass becoming the same shade of sepia as the stone.

They stayed just like that for a moment, but then started reversing their color scheme to normal again. Arthur blew a sigh of relief, thinking it was just a momentary thing. However, the colors of the world around him changed the same way again, but even more expedient, then reverting back again faster than before. Pretty soon, the colors were switching so fast around him that Arthur was convinced he would have a seizure.

As this was going on, making the aardvark incredibly dizzy, a huge, feral roar ripped through the silence. Arthur turned on his heels in fright fast enough to watch as a huge bear-like claw slammed into the side of his body, swiping it viciously. Arthur flew through the air, landing on the ground a few feet away on his back.

Luckily, the claws hadn't ripped the flesh from his bones, but his sweater was sporting a huge gash mark, just inches away from slicing him. After mentally inspecting the damage, he gazed upon the assailant, a huge snow yeti, dripping spit from its hungry fangs, substantially larger than its prey. The huge hands sported claws that Arthur was surprised hadn't cut through him on the spot.

Arthur backed away frantically, making sure to put as much distance between him and the arms' reach of the behemoth as possible. Sensing his fear and retreat, the monster started a slow sprint to get its paws on the morsel. It shot out a clawed hand, attempting to spear Arthur with it.

Just in time, Arthur rolled out of the way, but not before incurring another snip in his yellow garb. He shot to his feet immediately, running for the nearest boulder on the path to his destination. He found one and jumped behind it, feeling sick from both fear and the constantly pulsating color scheme going on around him.

"OH NO, OH NO, GUIDE, are you there?"

"Yes Arthur, what is it you'd like to know?"

Arthur would've screamed mightily if it wouldn't alert the yeti to his position, "You didn't tell me I'd have to fight a YETI!"

"No, but I did tell you that this journey is different for everyone, and that your life is on the line..."

"Just tell me what the heck to do!" Arthur was in no mood to be patient.

"Look for a weapon of some kind to fight it with..."

The yeti's growl was getting louder, which meant it was getting closer, and might know where he is.

"DO YOU SEE A WEAPON AROUND HERE, GENIUS?"

"You have to look for it, Arthur, I cannot simply make one materialize out of thin air for you. Follow the clues, and the land will provide your tools..."

"What do you me...ugh..."

Out of the corner of Arthur's sight, a blinding flash was brought to his attention. It was coming from the bush to his left. He got back up on his feet, crouching on the off chance that the yeti was still in the dark about his general area. Upon closer scrutiny, the flash was actually a steel hilt for something. Curiously, Arthur gripped the handle and yanked the heavy object that was attached to it out.

"Whoa, a broadsword!"

Arthur had to hold it with two hands, it was so heavy. The sword was almost as long as his entire body and completely composed of forged steel.

"Gulp...I have to fight that huge thing...with this?"

The guide just stated matter-of-factly, "It is your test, Arthur, it wouldn't mean anything if it wasn't difficult..."

Arthur's lip quaked as the implications ran through his mind.

"...I'm going to die here now...aren't I?..."

"I cannot answer that question. How much do YOU want to succeed, my young friend?"

The strange man was right! There was no turning back now, and Arthur had to give it his best, even if it killed him. Survival instincts kicking in, Arthur felt the surge of hot adrenaline go through his body. Forcing his legs to obey him, he darted out from behind the boulder, facing the creature who had gratefully been searching aimlessly behind other areas.

"HEY UGLY! COME AND GET ME!"

The yeti turned on a dime and tore through the stone path toward the boy, starving for the tender skin of his meal. Arthur released his own mighty war-cry right along with the roaring beast, holding up his broadsword and dashing toward the monster.

As they met, Arthur yelled and swung the long broadsword with all of his might, bringing it down upon his enemy. The yeti had blocked the strike with its claw, Arthur cutting through the terror's fingers a little bit, but it was worth the pain, as the mighty yeti backhanded Arthur even more ferociously, sensing his heightened threat level, which sent Arthur and his sword sailing almost six feet through the air, landing on the hard rock with a painful grunt.

"Pfft..." the guide could hardly contain his laughter, "HAHAHAHA...THAT WAS SO ANTICLIMACTIC!"

Coughing, the dusty, facially bruised Arthur shot back, "Shut up! I'm just getting the hang of this! Whose side are you on, anyway?"

"To me, I have no stock in whether you live or die, just remember that. I'm only here to give you a fighting chance."

Arthur picked himself back up briskly to face the ever approaching yeti. It was raging now that the young warrior had hurt its claw, and looked intent on mutilating its target in anger. Arthur waited patiently this time, looking for the exact moment to strike as the beast approached again.

"NOW!"

Arthur jumped forward, blade gripped up over his head behind his back, just as it came into the direct trajectory of the sword. He swung with everything he had and brought the steel crashing and slicing down through the yeti's upper to its lower torso, making it howl in pain as a bright yellow light poured from the wound.

"YEAH, IT WORKED!"

As the yeti flailed around, Arthur finally took notice that no blood was coming out of the cut, but the light was getting more and more illuminated.

"Um...what is that yellow stuff inside of it?"

The guide hurriedly gave Arthur another late warning.

"Maybe you should duck back a little..."

The light engulfed the yeti further, blinding the war hero with its intensity. A loud bang and a flash accompanied the yeti's complete disintegration, exploding into fountains of sparks and something else...

"Ouch!" Arthur put his hand up to his cheek that had started to hurt, when he examined the hand, there was a thin amount of blood on it from where he touched.

"What the..."

"Thorns, Arthur, every time you kill something in this world, a random trap is generated from the disintegrating bodies of your victims."

Arthur looked down at himself, scared at what he might find. Fortunately, he wasn't bathed in a pool of thorns or blood, but a few were stuck in his clothing, and some had been lucky enough to riddle them with holes. He picked out one of the thorns, hoping to inspect it.

"HEY, PUT ME DOWN!"

"AAAAH!"

Arthur dropped the tiny thorn like it was hot. Did it just say something to him?

"Ouch..." the long fall to the ground had both hurt and annoyed the little, sharp wood chip.

"Oh, sorry about that." Arthur knelt down to its level to see if it would talk again. Sure enough, the motor mouth attached to it was fully gassed.

"Oh, the nerve of some people! I was just floating along, minding my own business, until BOOM, I was thrown out into a sweaty, stinky little rodent's shirt! Well that's just peachy, I'll tell you what! NOOOOOO, my sister, Sandy, got to be a thorn on a pretty rose, but I get the short end of the straw by being used as a trap and then discarded, crushed in the ground, and whisked away, never to be remembered agai...HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING! DON'T THROW ME OVER THAT CLIFF! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIIIIIIIIIIIS!"

Arthur had expertly chucked the thorn over a ravine, finding the dead silence somehow much more appealing to that grating racket coming from the talkative piece of wood.

After the harrowing battle was over, Arthur also noticed something else. The color scheme of the world around him had gone back to normal, and stayed there. It must have done so after the yeti was defeated. That was nice, now Arthur wouldn't be in danger of throwing up on himself or falling to the ground shaking uncontrollably.

"Alright!" Arthur appreciatively yelled in triumph, holding his sword up in the air, "Now that I've got this sword I'll have..."

His sentence was cut off as he noticed the steel broadsword was breaking down into little grains of metal sand, the granules flying away in some unknown, non-blowing wind.

"...something to...defend myself...with...HEY, where's it going?"

Arthur gripped the handle desperately, thinking it would keep him from having to lose his precious life-preserver. As the hilt also turned to sand, falling from his hands and being swept up by the same currents, the disappointed former swordsman let out a frustrated groan.

"AAAAARRRRRGH!"

"Nuh uh uh," the guide tisked the boy, "every time another challenge is complete, the tools you acquired vanish with it. To be able to take so many tools with you would be cheating, as it would make each subsequent battle easier to conquer. You have to use the tools given to you by the challenge at hand. It may not be the simplest way to victory, but that's where the wits and struggle come in."

Arthur grumbled, defeated by his guide, "I guess that makes sense..."

"Now then," his voice seemed much happier that Arthur was starting to understand the rules of the game, "let's take a few more steps..."

"OH HECK NO!" Arthur blasted at the guide.

"What?..."

"I'm making a break for it! No more baby steps for me!"

The impatient grade-school kid went into a dead, heated tear down the brown, dusty path, sprinting toward the dilapidated bridge like his very soul depended on such speed.

"...It's useless to run Arthur...you won't make the trip any easier this way..."

Arthur's heartbeat pumped in his ears as the running gave him a boost of energy, "CRAM IT!"

He could see the bridge getting closer, so much closer.

"JUST A BIT MORE!"

Was it just him, or did Arthur feel like "just a bit more" meant "I'm not getting anywhere near"? As much as his legs burned with the fury of his run, the spot where the path connected with the bridge eluded him. He stopped for a moment, breathing heavily, taking in the scene in front of his eyes. Yeah, the bridge was exactly where it had been when he started the sprint. In fact, it almost seemed to be floating away from him, as if taunting him to give chase.

"Oh no you don't!"

Once Arthur started running again, the bridge and the area around it retreated rapidly, much more so than the aardvark could keep up. As it flew away into the horizon, Arthur had a bad feeling when it bleeped out of existence, replacing his vision with nothing but a white canvas.

He gawked, dumb-struck as he quit running. Everything was all white in his line of sight. He put his hands up to his face, making sure that he was still all there, which he was. He turned in place, gasping as he realized that he must have been in some completely egg shell colored box or room. No sounds, nothing to look at, just white.

"H...hello?"

The word was echoed right back at him at least ten or more times, each one in a different timbre, frequency, even different voices that weren't his, including some female voices.

"Is someone there?"

Once again, the differing voices reverberated throughout the room.

"GUIDE?"

Although the various "guides" were thrown back at him, the man in question did not respond.

"Oh no," Arthur thought to himself, "I must be stuck in some kind of...mind-control field or something! I saw an episode like this on Bionic Bunny once, where Bionic Bunny gets zapped with a mind-control device and loses all sense of where he is or what he does!"

A gruff, rumbling laugh surrounded Arthur in that instant, knocking him out of his train of thought. It seemed to be coming from outside the room instead of any of the voices that copied him.

"No no, my tasty treat!" It rumbled through the box jovially, puncturing Arthur's ear drums, "It isn't control! You're inside your own mind! BWEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!"

Arthur felt the white ground push up on him violently, flattening him at such an angle that he rolled toward another one of the walls. Just as he thought the earthquake was over, gravity suddenly decided to reverse, and he was harshly thrown up into the ceiling, spread out helplessly as he was ignorant of the mechanics of his box prison. A great crash had somehow put gravity back in control, with Arthur plummeting toward the ground again, speeding up even faster after a second or two.

"OH NO! I'M GOING TO FALL!"

Arthur really wished he had been nicer to his parents and D.W. now, because he would probably never see them again.

Just as Arthur was at terminal velocity to become a splat in the white surface, he was forcibly sucked back up into the ceiling where an even more potent crash and crack could be heard. The ground floor was starting to give way, jagged lines reaching out of it. Soon, the whole side fell apart, revealing a huge pan of boiling oil, ready to greet the aardvark with its sizzling burn when he took another free-fall again. Arthur began his perilous descent into the vat of boiling liquid, eliciting a terrified shriek from the kid.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Well...this was it. If that fall didn't kill him, this bath of molten oil surely would. He silently prayed for the safety and well-being of his friends and family, apologizing for all of the bad things he has ever done in life, and said farewell to his own world just as he plunged into the scorching substance, consuming him whole with a painful, blistering crackle.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N - Yeah, this was pretty rushed. Pretty random too, but HERE WE GO!

* * *

"...Arthur?...ARTHUR?...WAKE UP, ARTHUR!"

On the trail, Arthur was splayed out on his back, drooling like a madman with his pupils encompassing the entirety of his eyes. His guide, despite his initial claim that he really did not care whether his tourist died or not, was trying to snap him out of his mental shock. He told the rambunctious grade-schooler if he ever got caught in a mind trap, he was completely on his own. Now look at him!

Eventually, Arthur's pupils shrank to their usual size, allowing consciousness to bring him back to "reality". He twisted his head this way and that to make sure he wasn't still in a hallucinatory funk. He experimentally sat up on his rump, scratching his head to get rid of some itch, and with some trepidation opened his mouth.

"...GOOD GRIEF! WHAT WAS ALL OF THAT NONSENSE?"

Arthur rose to his feet with fists balled at his sides, shaking in a cold, clammy bout of disoriented fright, "I thought I was a goner! I could've sworn my skin was bubbling and frying from my bones! JIMMINY CHRISTMAS!"

"You got caught in a mind trap, Arthur. See, you should've listened when I told you IT IS POINTLESS TO RUN!"

"Well how was I supposed to know that I couldn't run? You didn't say anything about, 'The rules clearly state,' Arthur made an insulting impression of the guide, 'that you are not allowed to run!'"

The guide was clearly annoyed by his facetiousness, "You are the one who has to ASK those questions, Arthur! That is part of the point to this ordeal! Those who do not ask the appropriate questions, and simply go gallivanting throughout the countryside, doing whatever they feel like, will not make it in this world for even a minute! Every tip-toe you make should be calculated, and every risk should be minimized."

The raggedy lad rebelliously grunted yet again, "Alright, I get it, I'll just walk if it won't make a difference!"

"Arthur...do you notice where you are right now?"

The student took notice of his surroundings. The bridge that had seemed so far away, and looked like it had disappeared off the face of the plane was just sitting there right in front of him. It gently swayed and, creepily, made no sounds whatsoever, despite its old appearance and steady rocking.

"GEEZ! Why did I have to go through that pan of boiling oil just to get to the bridge? Couldn't it have just like...STAYED here for me?"

"Ah, I see," his annoying entourage derided, "wanting to take the EASY way out, are we?"

Arthur blew a raspberry at him, not amused by his teasing ways. Shakily, still jarred by the traumatic scene he experienced just a few moments ago, he walked over to the supports of the bridge, pleased that the thick, wooden posts, the size of tree trunks, looked burly enough to withstand the weight of a freight train. The planks of the bridge, however, were dotted with greenish white blots, as if some kind of mold had started to grow on them. Some were splintered, just barely hanging onto the heavy duty rope woven around them, with holes going through others. In general, it was a rotten mess that Arthur gulped at the prospect of trying to cross over.

As he took his first step to the end of the bridge, keeping safe on the dirty path for the time being, Arthur made the mistake of peering down the separated cliff-sides, only passable by way of crossing the chasm. To say he was gobsmacked would have to be the understatement of the century. What greeted him was not just a black bottomless pit, seeming to only stop at the ends of the universe, but there were some sort of distorted purple and blue streams of cosmic residue, lacing and bending in, around, over, and under each other. He took note that one wrong move on the bridge would not be a good idea.

"Um..." he never took his eyes off of his impending doom, "g...g...g...guide?"

"I'm all ears..."

"...Would you mind telling me where this scary, flowing stuff in the chasm leads to?..."

"Heh...how funny you should ask that, Arthur," the aardvark could tell from the guide's chuckle that whatever he would tell him would be indigestion inducing, "this is what most of the few beings who survived their trial used to call...The Void... It is the coagulation and manifestation of inter-spacial material between your world and the one you intend to visit, further connected to the vast materials of the rest of space, like a network of astral rivers."

"The who and the whats now?" Arthur was very confused by all of that gibberish.

"...The mechanics involved need not concern you. Just because I'm such a nice guy, I'll give you a freebie hint and urge you not to fall into it, for the ramifications of doing so are...beyond comprehension..."

Wow, how cryptic could you possibly get? Arthur decided not to press it since he at least had enough of a picture of what he was up against, and once again, the guide would just say, "Everyone sees everything differently here."

Deciding to get this show on the road, Arthur made a solid step onto the first plank of the bridge, carefully making sure to center his feet.

CRACK!

"WHOA!"

The wooden board under Arthur's feet picked the exact same moment to give out from under him. Making him fall through the absent support. He gripped instinctively onto the lower set of ropes now above his head, his only salvation from the murky abyss below.

"OH GEEZ, OH NO!"

He started hyperventilating as he watched the broken wood sail into the stream of colors, de-materializing on contact. The frantic explorer tried not to jerk around too much, in case the ropes might give out, but he was wantonly scanning for some way back up to safety. He couldn't get a steady enough grip on the next whole plank, and there was nowhere to grab onto where he started from, not to mention he wasn't strong enough to haul himself up on the rope.

"UH OH, OOOOOH!"

During his panic attack, he had neglected to check straight in front of him. His gaze settled upon a small nook, where a nice, shiny grappling hook and rope line sat coiled into it. Arthur wondered who would be stupid enough to leave something so valuable and crucial to survival in a small outcropping such as this. As he felt his grip give way, he didn't focus on that for long, opting to reach gingerly into the little hole and grasp his new tool.

His one arm started to buckle under the pressure of his weight. Sensing his danger, Arthur quickly but carefully fumbled with the grapple, haphazardly swinging it out to his side, hoping beyond hope that it landed somewhere solid when he threw it. He let it fly with just enough force to make sure it went somewhere stable, but didn't go too far and leave him with no means of escape. Relief flashed on his face as his free arm and hand rejoined the other, giving him plenty of strength, for now, to stay steady while watching the arching line the hook made to its intended point.

After it stopped, giving Arthur just enough rope to grab onto it and climb his way to freedom, he took that opportunity, though it made his arms burn even more as he was forced to hold his weight awkwardly, or plummet. He crept up slowly, pain shooting through them, inching toward the top of the cliff-side.

He thought he was home free, the last half-foot or so of onyx earth above his head, when from the top of the ravine a long, peach-colored hand with five fingers shot out and wrenched around Arthur's forearm. He bit his lip until it bled, keeping himself from screeching, caught off guard, or flailing around frantically, making himself lose his balance and hold. The hand seemed to want to help him, actually, which was accepted gratefully by the tired climber. Putting all of his trust into this mystery person, he let go of the grappling hook, which slid out from under him, losing its hold on whatever it had, sliding down away, meeting the same fate as the plank a few seconds before, and latched onto the hand with his own. They were surprisingly strong, whoever it was, as Arthur was hoisted up with an embarrassing ease.

Arthur's glee at being saved from oblivion was short lived, however, as the trees, hills, mountains, and the path had been replaced by some sort of...game show studio...

"WELCOME, ARTHUR READ!"

A tall human in one of those bright Hawaiian shirts tucked into a pair of khaki trousers, the one who had evidently pulled him up, greeted the aardvark through a microphone in an enthusiastic voice, much like the announcer at the ICEC. He had a jet black, heavily slicked back hairdo, and was motioning for Arthur to follow him.

He took in the flashy, gaudy studio, filled to the brim with lights blinking on and off, and in different patterns. A large table sat in front of a huge electronic screen that was showing a logo of some sort. The screen was mounted on a wall to Arthur's left. On the right side of the place were three podium boxes, two already full with other humans inside of them, one man and one woman. They were smiling and clapping for Arthur, who started to figure out that the last one was for him. He was to be the next contestant.

Behind the elementary-schooler, instead of the bridge and chasm he saw before, there was a huge crowd gathered in a bunch of stands, cheering loudly as the new contestant was told to go behind his podium. The emcee spoke again heatedly.

"You are the next competitor on..." he put his hands toward the crowd to make them chant along, "SAVE...YOUR...SOOOOOOUL!" The crowd drew out the last word, applauding madly and waving their arms around in excitement.

Arthur did not like the sound of that...

"Are you still there, Guide?..." he whispered under his breath. A lack of reply clued the new participant in on his slip into yet another trap. The announcer smiled and waved to the audience in that practiced, professional way that so fit his job description as he started up again.

"Now, I bet all of you are wondering, including our looooovely contestants," he demonstrated to them with his arms, "how do we play Save Your Soul? Well folks, it's as easy as one-two-three, three questions, that is, that will be given to our players to be answered more quickly than their opponents can buzz in!"

He motioned to the big, red buttons sitting on top of the podiums.

"The rules are simple, a question will be displayed to our players on this fabulous electronic board behind me! The player who buzzes in first will be allowed to attempt to answer it! If they get it right, they'll hear a "ding ding ding" and be awarded one out of a possible three points! If they get it wrong, they'll hear a "raaaaant", and another player gets the chance to steal the point! In the event of a tie, we still have plenty elimination questions for them! The winner gets to live with his or her soul intact, and a ten thousand dollar cash prize! The middle-man also gets to live, but gets no cash prize! The loser of the game will subsequently lose their soul, and be transported to one of the lavish, death-ridden locales of our judge's choice!"

Arthur took a glance between his two rivals, who only had smiles ironed on their faces, the kind of creepy, fake smiles that dolls wear. He couldn't fathom why they seemed so happy about this. He felt like he was going to be sick. All the same, he readied his hand at the button, not wanting to take any chances with losing this game.

"ALRIGHT, LET'S GET STARTED! The first question on the board is... How many star clusters currently surround the Wiggedy Waggedy Bop Nebula?

WHAT THE?... There were no words to describe the baffled, dumbfounded look on Arthur's face, but he slammed his hand on that buzzer like his life depended on it.

"ARTHUR READ! What is your answer?"

"...Uh...three hundred million?"

"RAAAAAAANT"

"Oh, I'm sorry Arthur, that is incorrect! Anyone else?"

The mechanical-looking woman on Arthur's left buzzed in.

"MRS. PENNY! What is YOUR answer?"

"TWO!"

"DING DING DING"

"That is CORRECT!"

The little, white counter in front of her podium that read "0" turned abruptly to "1".

"Darn..." Arthur mused to himself fearfully. He was already half-way to losing, and what kind of stupid question was that anyway? There was no way he could've known something so preposterous!

"Great job! Now, onto question number two... If a farmer has three donkeys, and one of them is brown, then...what is the consistency of a planet full of turnips with gravy smothered all over it?"

"...YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!" Arthur screamed out loud, not caring if anyone was disturbed by it or not. Mrs. Penny decided to buzz in yet again.

"MRS. PENNY AGAIN! What is your answer?"

"Um..." Mrs. Penny put a finger to her face, contorted in concentration, "a golden orangutan?..."

DING DING DING

"That is correct!"

Her own little counter turned to a two while everyone clapped for her.

"HOLD IT, HOLD IT! THIS IS JUST STUPID!" Arthur got out from behind the podium, stomping over to the middle of the studio, raging his head off, "I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HECK INVENTED THIS GAME, BUT THESE QUESTIONS HAVE TO BE THE DUMBEST, MOST MEANINGLESS, BATTY EXCUSES FOR GAME-SHOW MATERIAL I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED AND RIDICULED FOR EVEN BEING IN THE AUDIENCE FOR SOMETHING THIS MESSED UP! ALL OF YOU! WOULD IT KILL YOU," he turned to the emcee, quite incensed, "TO ASK QUESTIONS THAT DON'T HAVE CRAPPY ANSWERS? I SWEAR TO GOD!"

His rant over with, Arthur took himself and his angry, red face back over behind the podium, creating a silence in the area that was incredibly uncomfortable.

"...WELL THEN LETS KEEP GOING THEN, SHALL WE?" the announcer positively gushed again, as if Arthur hadn't even said a single word. The crowd followed his example, practically ignoring the rage-fueled aardvark.

"...UGH..."

"Okay folks, it's two for Mrs. Penny, zero for Mr. Dime, and zero for Arthur! Mrs. Penny has been solidified as the winner, but we still have a little TIE-BREAKER on our hands! This next question will determine who will stay whole and whose head will roll! Mr. Read, Mr. Dime, are you ready?"

"YEAH WOO HOO I'M READY!" Mr. Dime screamed at the top of his lungs, a little too excited for something so death-defying.

"...Let's just get this over with..." Arthur sighed with his head in his hand, propped up on his elbow. He didn't give a crud anymore. He would hit the buzzer as fast as he could, just so he could throw out the first thing that comes to mind.

"Now then, for the tie-breaker question... If nine times ten equals ninety, and sea breezes are composed of a mixture of beard shavings and whale farts, what is the least common denominator of yelling crocodiles in a cramped suburban basement?"

HONK

"ARTHUR READ! What is your answer?"

"...I don't know...YOUR MOTHER?..."

A huge gasp was released from the audience, the Hawaiian shirt-clad man's mouth dropped in apparent offense to Arthur's half-baked, insulting answer.

DING DING DING

The crowd roared with clapping, the sound reaching new decibel levels. Arthur could only unhinge his jaw as he heard the chimes, telling him he was correct. Who would've thought he'd actually win with that kind of obnoxiousness?

"HOLY COW! Arthur, you have just saved yourself from a gruesome fate! With your answer, Mr. Dime is the undisputed loser of "SAVE YOUR SOUL"!

As Arthur turned to look at the face of Mr. Dime, who would no doubt be panicking, he was shocked to find the man applauding and cheering for the younger boy as well, the same plastered on grin adorning his face. Some kind of spacial rift, not unlike the first one Arthur went through, opened up in front of Mr. Dime menacingly, ready to swallow the human whole in a matter of seconds.

"WHOOPEE! I GET TO GO ON A TRIP!" Mr. Dime shouted just as ignorantly of his sticky situation as the portal grew, bringing more and more of Mr. Dime into its clutches with every moment. Soon enough, he had been sucked through the portal with a sickening squeak. Arthur was only too happy to have not lost the game.

"...Boy Arthur...you need to quit getting sucked into these kinds of things..."

The prone Arthur was now face-first on the ground out in the plane world. The guide was starting to get a little exacerbated by how easily Arthur would get stuck in those traps. Oh well, he just had to wait it out again. If the boy wasn't back up in ten minutes, he'd have to declare him insane and dead to move on to the next candidate.

Sure enough, Arthur's fingers started to twitch, which lead to limbs twitching and moving. He started picking himself up off the ground when his consciousness had returned. He must've been getting used to the mental strain since he didn't seem too fazed, though it could also be his mental unbalance kicking in too. He stood silently for a minute, as if contemplating something. The guide took this as his queue.

"...So...have fun?..."

"SHUT IT!"

"Whoa...looks like somebody's a little tense."

"Why shouldn't I be tense? That game-show was so stupid! I wouldn't watch trash t.v. like that if you paid me! It was just...ARRRRRRGH!"

The guide snickered with humor. He always loved hearing about the peculiar experiences of the mind trap victims, and especially their reactions to them. Arthur's was pretty hilarious. He was such a vocal victim...

"Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore, Arthur. Look behind you."

Arthur did as instructed, a little apprehensive to do anything this guide tells him to do anymore. However, it seemed that there was a good thing that came out of all of this, he was on the other side of the bridge somehow.

"WHAT? How did I?..."

Suddenly, it dawned on Arthur that there was something very ironic about all of this...

"I DIDN'T NEED TO CROSS THE BRIDGE EITHER? That's just great! So what, is the bridge just for show or something?"

"Oh no no," Arthur's entourage contradicted him, "I have seen MANY beings cross that bridge, well, one similar to it at least, as each plane is different too. It just seems that with whatever task you completed, it gave you a boost. Consider yourself lucky, for this is pretty rare. I've watched as countless beings dematerialized in that chasm. They lose their physical bodies, and their souls get swept away in the vast ocean of the universe, reuniting with dead loved ones and such. Very poetic if I do say so myself."

To Arthur though, the thought made him inch away from the mouth of the cliff-side cautiously. He turned around and noticed another swirling mass of energy on his way. It was substantially closer than it looked on the other side of the bridge. That must've been the way to Equestria, not but a quarter of a mile away.

The guide seemed pretty psyched about something as his voice came out again, "You're SO close Arthur, my boy! All you have to do now is follow the rest of the path all the way to the portal. There are no more obstacles, so go on, enjoy your prize!"

The bespectacled lad's eyes narrowed in suspicion. This was just a little too good to be true.

"...What are you trying to pull on me?..."

"Nothing, Arthur," he was doing a poor job at sounding put off by the accusation, "I simply want to get onto the next poor sap that wants to cross to another world, as I'm SURE you'll make it out of here just fine now. Let us be off."

The aardvark huffed again tiredly, tempted to take that advice and run with it, since he was just so exhausted and frustrated now. He started briskly walking along the path, a light, quiet breeze still the only sound in the soundless world.

After walking about half of that quarter mile. Arthur noticed a low, glass-like sheet, covering the remainder of the road, just high enough to crawl under, stopping eight feet from the portal. The ground the path was composed of under the protective sheet, however, had taken on an even dirtier, grassy visage. He furrowed his brow in thought.

"Hey guide...what's that glass sheet for?..."

"You'll find out soon enough, YOU HAPLESS LITTLE FOOL!"

A screeching caw filled the boy's ears, making him turn his head up jerkily to the sky. In it, he saw a purple pterodactyl flying by, but this was different from the ones he had ever seen in his science books. This pterodactyl had the head of...a woman...and it had neon blue eyes that were as razor sharp as its fangs and claws. It snarled and growled at Arthur before letting loose some sort of green, slimy projectile, aiming straight for his head.

"You...might want to avoid that..." the guide mumbled unfazed, sounding amused that he had tricked Arthur into believing that he was completely home free.

Arthur, however, took no chances, and ducked just as the green ball of goo flew over his head into a nearby bush, watching as it deteriorated, the slime seeming to consume and eat away at it.

"...W...w?..."

"Mutants, Arthur, that's what those are called, and I'd hurry to the portal, under the glass, of course, because there will be a swarm of them pretty soon..."

As the mutant crowed for its brethren, Arthur saw the horizon completely fill with the foul creatures. As they all started gunning for him, and green slime jetted from every direction, now was his time to run.

He crawled under the glass casing just in time for some balls of ooze to plop against it. The glass, miraculously, held its integrity as fountains of slime gushed all around it. Under all of that stuff, darkness enveloped the case, his only source of light the other side where his destination waited for him. He also noticed that the ground around him was starting to shift and give way.

"Uh oh...OH CRUD...I'm sinking!"

"Better get a move on then..."

The ground was squishy, dirty, and most important of all, pulling him under. He powered through the quicksand-like substance as hard as he could, flailing his arms and legs in some kind of synchronization. The darkness from the probable millions of mutants outside shelling the glass wasn't helping his confidence much either. He was crawling roughly, clumsily, as he made sure his head didn't go under. He'd be fine as long as that glass kept holding up.

Eventually, a nearly tapped out Arthur zoomed out of the glass on the other side, beholding the similar-looking portal to the one he had came through to get here. He used the mutants' unawareness of his exit to buy himself some more time. As he ran up the steps to the portal, he frantically thanked the guide for his help on his quest.

"Well," he started, running for his life while green globs began trickling his direction, "I guess this is it. Thanks for the help."

"You have passed this test, Arthur, go forward into the other world, and revel in your great victory!"

As Arthur jumped into the portal, just in time for a goo shell to barely swipe his foot, his body stopped moving, in fact, time itself had halted as the mutants and their ooze projectiles froze in mid-air. As the rift sensed his presence and insistence on entering, it scanned him, breaking down every piece of the boy's body to suck them in, one by one, until the last piece was completely ingested.

He was free...

* * *

A/N - Got everything out, in a nutshell, other than a few things. I wanted to get this whole "plane crossing" arch over with, since this story will probably be long enough as it is without these side things. I apologize to anyone who absolutely hated this chapter, but it should pick up after the inspiration hits me again.


	6. Chapter 6

The three friends, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie had been escorted by carriage back to their hometown in Ponyville about three days after the ICEC. Like any other road trip they had taken, their stay at the Canterlot Royal Palace was a fun-filled blast of unguided tours, both of the palace and the outskirts into the city, exquisite food that they would surely miss back home where it wasn't available, and sleepless nights of telling ghost stories, pranking each other, and a game of Truth-or-Dare that saw Rainbow Dash, at Pinkie's dare, sticking her head out the room's door screaming "CASTLE GUARDS SUCK!" responded to with a "Aw come on, that's not very nice!". Twilight and Pinkie were laughing themselves silly with that one.

They even had a chance to visit with Princess Luna, who was as entertaining as ever with her glory-filled tales of ages past, most likely greatly exaggerated to awe them even further. She was certain that they wouldn't find out the truth that it was just as stale and boredom-filled as the present day, but she had to nourish their younger minds with the wonders of history all the same.

Twilight was back in the Ponyville Library, shuffling around the room with her dragon assistant, sifting through a shipment of books on various small mammals that was ordered some time ago. They were in the process of checking them off, marking them, cataloging them, and storing the related tomes into their home, a brand-new bookshelf that had been similarly ordered, assembled, and tested for integrity about a week ago, put up over near the front door.

"So Twilight," Spike, who was busy stacking a series of mint-condition books on top of one another, asked the pony librarian, "how should we categorize everything?"

The purple unicorn was hard at work herself, making sure to label every level of the bookshelf correctly for each group that would sit in those spaces.

"Hmmm..." Twilight mused for a moment with a hoof up to her mouth, trying to figure out exactly how she wanted them organized, "I think we should alphabetize them A through E on the top shelf, F through J on the second, K through O on the third, P through T on the fourth, which would give us U through Y for the very last shelf."

Spike thought about it for a moment, weren't they missing something important?

"Uh Twilight, I think you forgot about Z."

Twilight turned to her dragon companion with a small grin, "No no Spike, we don't have any Z books yet, so this will be just fine for now."

She also gave her scaly assistant a view of the last shelf, demonstrating the space between the last book and the end of the bookcase with both hooves, "Also, if we do get a few Z books, since it's a less used letter compared to many of the others, there's some more space on the bottom for those."

"That's great," Spike jumped over to where she was for a moment to inspect the sturdy, wooden frame himself, "looks like your choice of the extra large model worked out after all!"

On a roll today, Twilight took a few of the books within her grasping aura, placing them efficiently into the exact slots that she envisioned. All of a sudden as the two were working...

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"OH, could you get that for me Spike? I've gotta run into the kitchen for some of the other packages I left there," the unicorn asked him sweetly with a small sense of busy urgency.

"Sure thing, Twilight."

Spike walked over to the door nonchalantly, expecting another borrower to be on the other side.

"Welcome to th...?..."

As Spike swung the red door open, he was greeted by a truly unfamiliar sight. The...whatever that had just knocked on the door not but a few moments ago was staring back at him through some kind of beady, bespectacled eyes. The expansion and detraction of its torso clued to the dragon that whoever it was seemed exhausted, or panicked.

Some kind of oddly shaped clothing fit onto the body of the fairly tall biped, at least tall from Spike's stunted perspective. A thick, yellow long-sleeved shirt adorning its upper body bore many frays and dirty slices, as if it had been crawling on the ground in it. The blue...pants...on the weirdly crafted "legs" fared no better, splotchy brownish green markings and cuts peppered them all over.

It also had fingers with very short claws, one of the only traits Spike could actually relate to. The scuffed shoes hid whatever could be discerned of the hooves or feet, however.

After a round of heavy breathing and Spike standing wearily in front of the door, ready to shout for Twilight in case this thing wanted to attack them, the creature's lips started to move.

"Ah, you...must be...Spike."

That was all the little lizard needed to hear before he officially freaked out.

"Ummmmmmm...Twilight?" Spike yelled across the library to get her attention, tip-toeing back away from the visitor, "There's a strange something at the door that knows my name, even though I've never seen it before!..."

The dirty-looking being and Spike both heard an audible crash in the kitchen, obviously the violet unicorn was busy back there with something that needed lots of concentration. Yelping in pain and stifling a curse, the mage made her way into the lobby with a confused look on her face.

"Knows your name?" she parroted questioningly at the dragon's description.

When she saw the grimy visage of the two-legged one that had just crossed the threshold in the library, her eyes widened, both surprised and gleeful at the friendly, if not somewhat scratched and harried, face.

"Arthur! I don't...how did you?..." she sputtered as the gears in her head cranked out any possible way the aardvark could've crossed dimensions all on his own.

"Oh...thank goodness...I found you, Twilight!" Arthur threw up his hands in relief, looking like he was near a fainting spell after the long trek he trudged through to get here.

The unicorn had no conceivable idea how the unassuming, meek Arthur had crossed through to their world the way he did. The state of his dress was definitely a sign of struggle, but it should be almost impossible for anyone to do so. She gave language to the concerns muddled in her head.

"How did you get here, Arthur? This is absolutely incredible!"

Arthur took a few more breaths before he continued, short on it from the heavy run to the tree-house.

"There were...mutants..."

Twilight's face fell in dead-panned disbelief, "...Mutants?..."

"Yeah," Arthur kept going as if the puzzled looks on Twilight and Spike's faces were of no indication that he should explain that important little detail further, "and...they were...shooting green slime at me...through their mouths..."

"..." Spike waved a claw in front of his own face, "I'm not even going to ask..."

Twilight decided to get to the reason why the intrepid inter-dimensional explorer had gone through a feat thought hopeless, risking his life and limbs in order to meet her at the library.

"What could you possibly need from me that you couldn't get in your own world?"

Arthur slowly limped up to his pony friend, placing his hands on her shoulders to accentuate his distress, an almost crazed stare showing the tiny bags under his eyes locking with hers. Spike "urped" at the bold contact while Twilight blushed in confusion and embarrassment.

"That's exactly why I came! ...You've got to...you've got to bring Princess Celestia back to Elwood City, or find some way for Mr. Ratburn to be able to make it here, somehow!"

Twilight made an open-mouthed frown, the request was a daunting one which the mare couldn't really accept. Only Princess Celestia was THAT powerful to be able to jump between worlds with her magic, and with how little she actually did it, there must have been some kind of limits, or it drained her profusely.

"HUH? I'm not sure what you're getting at with this, Arthur..."

The Lakewood Elementary student pleaded with the purple unicorn. "PLEASE TWILIGHT! It's a nightmare! Mr. Ratburn is so obsessed with the princess now that he can hardly even teach us anything!"

He let go of Twilight to make wild hand gestures as he broke down his last few days of espionage on the cake-loving teacher.

"Every day for the last three days I've been sneaking by his house, watching through his windows to see what's been bothering him, and it's even worse than I thought at first!"

The distraught aardvark's head whipped around the room to look for something, his bloodshot eyes danced in mad joy as he found an object to further elaborate on his teacher's never-ending quirks, a quill pen and parchment on the nearby podium. He started feverishly scribbling on the parchment, detached cackles vibrating from his throat as he jerked spasmodically.

"He's drawn a realistic chalk drawing of Princess Celestia!"

When Arthur was done with his own chicken scratches, he let out a "HA!", replacing the quill pen and grasping the paper roughly in his fist. Twilight and Spike leaned back a little in slight fear as Arthur thrust the drawing in their faces. It was a crudely drawn stick figure of the princess, so horrible that it was barely recognizable as anything other than a bunch of lines.

"He's been staring out the window for long periods of time...in the MIDDLE OF CLASS!"

Arthur did an abrupt, 180 degree turn toward the nearest window, coming to a stop in front of it. He planted his elbows into the wooden frame, leaning on them almost school-girlishly from what Twilight and Spike were gathering. He put the palms of his hands together, making a prayer gesture, except he leaned his left cheek into his right hand. He sucked in a deep breath, releasing it and sighing obnoxiously. After the love-filled sigh was done, Arthur hoisted himself back up, turning and speaking with further ire toward the rat. "I haven't even seen him touch one bite of cake! How do I know that, you might be asking?," Arthur put up his index finger, pointing it to them as if they had asked the, at best, rhetorical question, "Because he sets out a piece for himself at dessert every night, tries to put his fork in and take a bite, but ends up dropping the fork to the table," he made more wacky hand gestures, "throwing it even, and once I saw him slam his hands on the table in frustration for it!"

Twilight tried to calm the nervous, volatile Arthur who was holding his hands to his head in exasperation. Spike just looked on in a daftness that could not possibly be concealed.

"Settle down there, Arthur. Maybe he's just still mad about the tie in the competition."

"No, there's the other problem," Arthur grinned desperately, maniacally, toward his other-worldly friend, "Some of my other friends and I went over that same thought, but I heard him yell really clearly one night as he threw his cake fork down..."

A highly dramatic retelling of the scene played through Arthur's head as he acted out Ratburn's part. "Mr. Ratburn" threw his fork down on the table, making it ricochet off of the wood onto the tile floors of his home, skidding along with the force of the toss. Ratburn threw his fists up in the air, turning his head skyward and let out a cry of bitter agony.

"OH CELESTIA!" the rat's student play-acted his role to the letter, "IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME WITHOUT YOU!"

Arthur was splayed out exactly as he had informed Twilight and the baby dragon of how Ratburn looked that night, the last night before Arthur had high-tailed it through the space between dimensions, nearly getting himself killed to bring the help he was craving from them, tired of Ratburn's incessant crush. The unicorn and her assistant just stood by, gawking, while Arthur slid to the hard library floor with a pointed thud, now completely out of breath and energy spent from the militaristic crawling he was subjected to not but a short time ago. His pony friend lifted him back to his wobbly feet with the magic from her horn.

"Oh dear, Arthur, are you okay?"

Twilight's concerned look wasn't the focal point of Arthur's attention. The horn on her head was glowing with purple waves emanating from it.

"Okay, now I KNOW I'm starting to hallucinate!"

Twilight made sure to steady the wrecked boy before letting him go, he was a little disoriented, but kept on his feet, which was a start. She giggled a little at the exclamation Arthur made before.

"No, silly, that's just my magic."

"M...MAGIC?" it was Arthur's turn to stutter like his brain was being fried.

Twilight bashfully turned her head with a front hoof to her mouth, forgetting that Arthur probably wasn't aware of magic, since it didn't seem to be used in his world.

"Um...I'll explain that to you some other time after we've tried to solve your problem."

Arthur closed in on the bookpony, elated.

"Does this mean that you'll help me get those two together?"

Twilight gave Arthur a subtly uncomfortable smirk at his extreme enthusiasm. She remembered all of the times at the palace that Celestia had acted in the same or similar ways, and she firmly believed that what Arthur had told her about Ratburn was certainly reciprocated by the princess.

"Well...Princess Celestia had the same issues with eating her nightly cake desserts, which she would order, but never be able to even take a bite. I also remember hearing her whisper Mr. Ratburn's name when she tried and was not successful."

"Oh, thank goodness the princess feels the same way about Mr. Ratburn! I was about ready to beg my parents to switch schools if this didn't work out!"

Twilight incredulously eyed the frantic aardvark, "Come on, Arthur, it couldn't have been all that bad..."

"Oh REALLY?" Arthur rebuked...

Another scene was reenacted, Arthur Read as Nigel Ratburn.

"Alright class, turn to page Celestia in your Celestia books," Arthur put on his best, dopey Mr. Ratburn impression, "Celestia, I mean, Fern! What did I tell you about Celestia in the Celestia for your Celestia?"

"Alright, alright," Twilight rolled her eyes amused at Arthur's humorous antics, "I get it! It is just as bad as you say it is..."

"...So...you definitely want to help out then?..."

Twilight looked to Spike for some kind of input, but the little guy just shrugged his shoulders, not a clue what Twilight should or should not get into. She turned back to Arthur, and with a short nod and optimistic smile she gave him her answer.

"Well...wouldn't want to keep the two lovebirds apart now, would we?"

"OH THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!"

Arthur's thirst for aid had been quenched, and in a spur-of-the-moment gesture, he wrapped his arms around his unicorn pony ally. Twilight's pupils dilated slightly at the contact, shifting over to Spike again, who just looked on with a mildly disturbed, disgusted grimace. Although caught off guard for a minute, she wrapped her own hooves around Arthur, reciprocating the, hopefully, friendly action.

He pulled back when it felt like he had been a little too clingy for a little too long...

"Um...sorry about that, Twilight, heh heh..."

"No no, it's fine. I should've said something if it wasn't..."

A thick silence enveloped the little lobby. Arthur had his arm behind his head, scratching the back of it. Twilight had thrown her right foreleg around her left, nervously rubbing it up and down. Spike...well, other than a few conspicuous glances between Arthur and Twilight, was uneasy, but overall doing pretty well given the circumstances.

"I guess...uh...let's get to it then, why don't we?" Arthur's head scratching hand went back to his side.

"...Sure," Twilight mumbled, not exactly sure where to even begin with all of this, "we'll show them that they don't have to hide their feelings any longer."

They stood there in another bout of silent contemplation, these awkward situations were starting to get a little...awkward...as it were...

"So...uh...any good ideas on what we should do?..."

Twilight and her dragon companion face-hoofed/palmed, Arthur didn't seriously come to their world just to have NO ideas on how to go about this, did he?


End file.
